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Friday, April 26: There’s a playlist of songs that I keep on my iPod Nano; I listen to them when I walk or when I’m driving in my car, at times when my mind could otherwise be at peace or be present to the moment. Lately I’ve been wondering why these songs continue to draw me to them. I’ve decided that each of them transports me to a memory, not necessarily the actual moment of the memory, but the feeling I had at the time of the memory. Slowly, I have come to realize that I’m “addicted to a certain kind of sadness,” brought on by these songs.
Since I’ve been meditating lately, I’ve noticed that certain thoughts keep recurring in my mind. I can see these relentless thoughts capturing my attention, and I find when they appear like uninvited strangers that I continue to grasp them as if they’re essential to my survival. In meditation I try to let go of these thoughts, to look at them as if they’re just artfully designed clouds floating by. But too often, when the thoughts arrive, my mind grabs them and runs around them in circles like a dog chasing after its tail.
Of course, many of the thoughts are worries about the future. For the last month, I’ve been so occupied and worried about selling my car that I could hardly concentrate on anything else. I know I’m also worried about the upheaval of returning to the USA, although I’m also very excited. So yes, future thoughts and worries run rampant through my mind. I don’t like the discomfort and mental anguish of worries, nor do I like the stomach upset, headaches or other physical manifestations of anxiety.
The playlist on my iPod allows me to escape from these worries about the future by taking me to another place: back to the past.
Since I’m trying to pay attention to my own destructive thoughts, I noticed that I tend to gravitate to the same playlist of songs over and over. I realized these songs take me back to some strange moments that don’t seem connected. Most of them take me to a time when some big change was happening in my life, when I was feeling deep yearning for something, or when I was in the company of a certain person who I thought was the love of my life.
For some reason I am drawn to this song by Gotye, and I find myself listening to it repeatedly. Here it is: Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know (featuring Kimbra):
This song makes me think about the endings of my relationships and how people who I once loved have now become “somebody that I used to know.” But the line that really speaks to me is this: “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.” I recognize that I am most certainly addicted to a kind of sadness. I feel comfortable in this sadness for some reason and I just can’t seem to make the choice to abandon it and move on.
There was a person who I truly loved, for a time. I felt so incredibly alive in his presence that I often dwell in memories of our time together. Lately, I don’t know why, I’ve been reading old letters that I wrote to this person when I was in Cairo in 2007. I’ve actually been trying to recreate, in a blog, my time in Cairo from nearly 6 years ago. Even though this person wasn’t in Cairo with me, I wrote to him nearly every day while there. The letters between us are intertwined with my experience of Egypt. In addition, I’ve also been trying to recreate some other parts of my past, such as two study abroad trips I took while working on my Master’s degree, one to Mexico and one to Singapore, which marked the beginning and the end of this doomed relationship. These trips were the bookends, so to speak, of our short-lived but exhilarating love affair. I can’t help but wonder why I am dwelling on these memories, yet I’m not willing at this time to abandon them.
Some of the songs on my playlist are wrapped up with this person and my feelings when I was in his company. The songs are bittersweet, because they remind me of the happy times we were together; on the other hand, they remind me of an excruciatingly painful ending and a year of suffering and sadness. They are, to name a few:
- How to Save a Life, by the Fray
- Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol
- Hurt, by Johnny Cash
- Silver Lining, by Rilo Kiley
- Think I’m in Love, by Beck
- The Reason, by Hoobastank
- She’s Mine, by Brett Dennen
- Meadows of Heaven, by Nightwish
- While Your Lips are Still Red, by Nightwish
- Falling Slowly, by Glen Hansard
Then there are other songs unrelated to this person. One song is related to the time I separated from my unhappy first marriage. I had a friend and colleague who I thought was the most sophisticated and wise woman I’d ever known. She was 10 years older than me and had traveled all over the world; she had been on safari in Africa and on too many other grand adventures to count. We could talk about everything and I found her wisdom valuable, as I was desperately trying to find myself. At this time, I was 31 years old. The sad thing about Susan, though, was that she was desperately in love with a married man who caused her great anguish. The song “Foolish Games” by Jewel always takes me back to Susan and her doomed love affair with a man who sounds much like the man in that song. For me that time represented new-found freedom and a world of possibilities. Susan’s life, except for the married man, was the life I myself yearned for.
There are many more random and unrelated songs on my playlist, but all of them evoke some feeling of yearning, of possibility, but also of sadness. Many of them are associated with my travels, or the possibilities that travel promises. These are:
- I and Love and You, by the Avett Brothers
- An Egyptian song played at a wedding party on a boat on the Nile River
- All of Loreena McKennitt’s songs about Turkey
- Songs by the Turkish grunge band Duman, especially Oje and Aman Aman
There are too many more that I could talk about. I recognize that all of these songs evoke unfulfilled desire in me, a kind of sadness that I can dwell in quite comfortably. I don’t know why I keep going back to them, and to the memories they evoke. But go back I do, time and time again.
Buddhist thought says that we should not cling to thoughts of the past or the future, but we should be present to the moment at hand. With a steady practice of meditation, we can learn to do this. Because of this, I’ve been trying to cut back on listening to this playlist that so vividly brings the past back to me. When I was in Kathmandu, I bought a CD of Tibetan chanting.
The chants are evocative and repetitive, much like a mantra. I’ve started listening to these chants while walking and I notice when I listen to them, I become more aware of my surroundings, of the feel of my feet moving along the path, of the small breezes that whisper across my face, of my breathing, of the actual act of walking. I love it because it feels like a walking meditation and releases me from that “addiction to sadness” that my old playlist brings to me. It helps me to be present to the moment, to be alive to the NOW.
I don’t think I will abandon this playlist of memories absolutely, but for now, I’ll put it on the back burner for rare rainy days.
The Travelbunny said:
Interesting thoughts which I can empathise with. I hope you weren’t tempted to have a listen to Gotye while compiling this post!
catbirdinoman said:
Yes, Suzanne, I did listen to Gotye while writing. I love the song and it keeps drawing me to it for some reason. I love it. 🙂
CvCvCv said:
I am sad that I do not know any of these songs, except those by Loreena Mckennitt, whom I also adore, and who by the way, also lives in my hometown, Stratford, Ontario, Canada (since 1981) – yes, that is the very same town that spawned Justin Bieber as well. Such a tiny little dot on the map, yet musically, on such galactically different levels, so very famous. The poor Stratford Shakespeare Festival Theatre which is now lesser known but for which the town used to be know, still attracts super-high calibre stars such as Dame Maggie Smith, Sir Alec Guiness, Peter Ustinov, Christopher Plummer, and even Christopher Walken! And Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, also started his career at that same theatre. I am not even writing about songs now. My own addiction to sadness used to be such that I forced myself to listen to songs just to feel sorry for myself and for the bad choices I made in the past and the consequences that turned out badly. I now have no problem just avoiding any such reminders, even though I no longer judge myself for the choices and decisions I made in the past as I am no long that person. We always make decisions thinking they are the “right” one. Otherwise, we would have chosen differently. That took years of therapy to sink in, but now, only songs that remind me of Africa have the power to taser those old memories back to life. I burn photos when I want to eliminate memories, because I don’t like memories much anymore, even though I know my mind is strong enough to let them go.
catbirdinoman said:
I can’t say I have any memories I’d want to “burn” because each experience in my life has taught me so much, and those experiences happened to me for a reason. In the end, they make me who I am today, a continually evolving person. 🙂
CvCvCv said:
Glad that Kathmandu CD has such healing powers for you. I knew it would. I find Gregorian Chants much more hypnotic when I want to still my mind or calm myself down when I am stressed. I can literally feel my blood pressure slowing down and my blood pressure is pretty low already. That CD I recommended has too many memories attached. Buddhism 101: The Four Noble Truths: 1. Life = suffering. 2. The origin of suffering is attachment. 3. The cessation of suffering is attainable. 4. The path to the cessation of suffering is the purpose of life.
Any song that reminds me of a failed relationship (and all of my relationships have failed) I have learned is not worth spending another fraction of a second on. I have suffered enough on that front, cried enough tears and wasted enough time on people who were either not worth it or who did not feel the same way about me as I did about them. To me it is not life that is suffering as much as how we react to life that causes the most pain.
catbirdinoman said:
Well, I won’t ever abandon those memories entirely because in those memories I can relive an amazing feeling that I had once. Who knows if I will ever have it again. If so, that’s great, but if not, at least I still have those amazing moments in my memory. 🙂
mrscarmichael said:
How nice to be responding to your post while listening to one of my favourite songs. And he’s a Kiwi to boot! So thank you for that. I think the words are brilliant and I guess, it’s all happened to us in one way or another.
It’s a brilliant tune and very hard to sing. Many try and fail.
So many tunes take me so many places. My thoughts are in a whirl.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much for your response, mrscarmichael. I love that song so much, and I’m glad to know he’s a Kiwi! The words speak to me so much. Isn’t it sad when relationships fall by the wayside and people who were once so close to you turn into strangers? So sad. 😦
Syed Abdullah Gilani said:
😦 same addiction to songs 😦 . I ll pray for you to get your life and love back, nothing is impossible.
http://gilanidiary.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2013-01-01T00:00:00%2B04:00&updated-max=2014-01-01T00:00:00%2B04:00&max-results=23
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you for your prayers, Syed. I know I will never have this particular love back, but maybe another?? 🙂
Lucid Gypsy said:
Your Friday posts are exceptionally good!
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you so much, Gilly. I’m really happy that you like them. 🙂
tchistorygal said:
This is an especially moving post. I tend to cling to memories for years, and they have no music attached to them. Listening to talk on the radio, particularly humorous or news even helps me. Blogging helps keep my mind focused on less emotional things than my brain harbors left unfettered. It sounds like you have found some things that are working.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks for your kind comment, Marsha. I still like to bask in the memories sometimes, even though they can be painful. I think I tend to blank out the painful parts. Because the good part was so good, I like to relive it from time to time. For sure, writing the blog keeps me busy enough that I don’t dwell often in the past. And reading and walking and taking pictures. 🙂
CvCvCv said:
I love your responses. I understand what you are saying about burning things, though it is a very new age thing to do to let things go, writing them down then burning them. In my case, it is past memories that keep me trapped in the past when it is the present moment I need to cherish. I find it easier to let memories go forever as I don’t particularly want to relive them in any way, shape or form as they are too painful and after 14 years of Buddhist study, I find photos and songs forms of attachment which cause me the most suffering right now, so I just get rid of them. I am still who I am, good or bad, whether I hang onto things or not. My happiest time was when I gave all my furniture away and everything away in GVA except for a few books and my clothes. I had a single thin futon on the floor and a TV with no other furniture or anything else in my home. I used candles for light and had one burner on which to cook and a tiny fridge. Only one bowl and fork and knife and plate and cup. It was the greatest feeling. I long for that feeling, it was bliss. I had so few possessions or attachment to anything or anyone, and everything I owned fit in a very small room which was very liberating. One day I hope to live like that again, so simply. If I could empty out my condo I could rent it out but it is so full of stuff again which I collected while I was at my most depressed. And who will take used books anymore? I have 3000 at least in my personal library.
catbirdinoman said:
Believe me, I know about the addiction to books. You should see the books I have in my house in Oakton. Too many to count. Sometimes, yes we need to release these material items. I actually dread, in a way, returning to my Oakton house because of all the stuff and clutter we’ve accumulated over many years. I’ll miss my spare flat in Nizwa. I have a feeling a lot will be thrown out when I return home.
I like the idea of paring down, and living simply, without clutter and reminders of the past. Yet. We all have our memories that we never want to get. That’s why I write these blogs. In fear of forgetting, which I do tend to do.
Kat at travelgardeneat said:
What a thoughtful post — music evokes such emotion in us, both good and sad. I find it interesting that in reading about why it’s so hard to declutter some material items, we have the same emotional attachment — when we good through the memory box or knick knacks on a shelf, they often are related to a relationship, event or memory we want to revisit, and once we realize that we can do that without the item, it is easier to let it go. Not that we want to let all of them go, but if they aren’t out where we enjoy them regularly, why hold on to them?
catbirdinoman said:
I agree, Kat. I still hold on to many pictures, souvenirs and all kinds of odds and ends that bring back memories for me. I guess music at least doesn’t clutter, unless maybe you dwell in it too long. You are so right on all counts. Thanks so much for your comment. 🙂
bluebrightly said:
Smart woman! These Friday Meditations are forming their own chapter, I think. I’s true, it can be easy to lose yourself – in a destructive way – to an indulgence in sadness, and the indulgence can be intensified by music. At the same time, there’s a positive side to listening. I think your inner wisdom can usually let you know when you’ve strayed too long in the song…
Have you listened to straight Tibetan chanting? Like the Gyuto Monks? It’s different from the CD above, but you might find it interesting, too.
Sending wishes your way to get the car sold.
catbirdinoman said:
I think you’re right, Lynn, in that I get a sense of when enough’s enough. As far as straight Tibetan chanting, I haven’t listened to this, but I will certainly check it out. Thanks for telling me about it.
By the way, I did sell my car. Closed the deal last Wednesday and wrote a way-too-long post about it. Thank goodness; I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. 🙂
bluebrightly said:
So glad the car burden has lifted – I missed that post somehow – anyway, GOOD!
Carol said:
You are so right – it is not good to dwell in the past, because that leaves no room for the future. But the past is part of who we are, so it cannot be completely abandoned either.
catbirdinoman said:
Yes, Carol, you’re right. There has to be a balance. Because you must leave room for the future. And for the moment at hand, the NOW. 🙂
dearrosie said:
Ditto to what I said last Friday – another great post. I think its the “not knowing what’s going to happen that scares us.” —- the not knowing how you’re going to feel once you’re back in the US is keeping you stuck in fear. Its easy for me to say “relax” what’s going to happen will happen but perhaps you can meditate on that fear. You’re not alone. Ask your best friend – i.e your soul or whatever your call your deeper self) to help you. (That’s what I’m working on – its a wonderful ahah moment when you realize you’re not alone.)
The power of music to get deep into our souls always amazes me. I don’t know Gotye – I enjoyed listening to his “Somebody That I Used To Know” (I see from a comment above that he’s a Kiwi…)
I guess I’m used to Kundalini chanting and was surprised that the Tibetan chanting is so much faster.
I also love Loreena McKennitt but haven’t heard her songs about Turkey.
catbirdinoman said:
That is perfect, Rosie. I don’t feel so fearful now and am willing to accept whatever comes my way. There are a lot of unknowns back in Virginia, but as far as my children, they will always be mine. Even when they move away, I want to stay closely connected to them all. Yes, I need to meditate and listen to my inner self. You are so wise, Rosie. 🙂
vastlycurious.com said:
You and I have very similar music tastes! I am not surprised : ) Lately I have been on a Hans Zimmer craze and also David Garrett the electric violinist!
catbirdinoman said:
Hans Zimmer and David Garrett? Never heard of them but I’ll look them up! 🙂
Marco said:
To start off with, you get bonus points for the lovely picture of the steps and more bonus points for mentioning Nightwish, haha!
But seriously, this is a lovely post and I can relate to it, word for word. Thinking about the (evil) ipod and morning runs – the feelings / thoughts the songs can evoke. Some good, some not so good – the memories that have attached themselves to the songs. Maybe this is why I am constantly battling my Ipod and it’s musical selections – hitting too close to home. Yes, Apple is evil, Ipod is King Evil and I think a cup of green tea is in order now – can I get you some, too?
catbirdinoman said:
Haha, Nightwish is one I figured you might like. But notice the songs I like are not the dark and gloomy ones, they’re the romantic ones. I’m a romantic music kinda girl; that’s just me!
I think we all like to dwell in the memories that certain songs evoke in us. I think I’ll never give up that addiction entirely, but maybe I’ll just cut back so I don’t dwell too much in the past.
And yes, a cup of green tea sounds lovely. I’ll be waiting. 🙂
Marco said:
I liked their last album, Imaginarium quite a lot – I should listen to it again.
I’ve added a whole lot of new stuff to my collection, not quite the happy happy stuff or very romantic but hey, we’re getting there.
awesome, tea is on its way
adinparadise said:
I love my iPod, but usually have it on shuffle. That way, I don’t get bogged down in one particular mood or the same memories. Sometimes certain songs do make me extra happy or sad. I love your smiley face. 🙂
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, Sylvia; yes, I don’t know why lately I’ve been dwelling on these particular songs. Oh well, I’m either listening now to the Tibetan incantations or I’m doing what you do and turning it to shuffle. 🙂
Madhu said:
Songs have the same effect on me. On us all i guess.
I have to agree with Gilly, your Friday posts are on a whole different level Cathy. So candid and thought provoking. The photos you choose too. That last one is stunning.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, Madhu. I’m really glad you like the posts and the pictures. I may be late a day or two this week. It’s so confusing with this weekend switch!!