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Friday, April 5: A couple of months ago I was having dinner with a young woman who teaches French in the Foreign Languages Department at the university. We were talking about things we do with our free time. She told me a friend of hers coined a phrase to describe our attempts, as expats, to fill our long lonely hours. This friend called these attempts: “furnishing our loneliness.”
Living as an expat can be a lonely existence. No matter how much you try, you can never belong to the culture where you are living. You are always an outsider. Sure, sometimes foreigners befriend you and invite you to do things, and sometimes you do make some good friends. I had some very close friends in Korea, both women and men; in Oman, it’s been a different story. Oman is a very traditional and closed society. In Oman, I have found nothing even close to the female friendships I had with Kim Dong Hee and Julie Moon in Daegu, or the male friendship I had with Young Dae from Seoul.
Sometimes you become close to other expats who are living in the same circumstances as you. But too often your world of possible friends is very small. You either get along with the few expats you work with, or you find it takes too much of an effort to enjoy their company. When I first arrived here, I connected with a few women, but as they are the kind of women who love to have many acquaintances, I knew we wouldn’t have the closest of connections. It was only when I met Mario that I found a true friend. Slowly, slowly, we have built a trusting and close friendship that I value more than any relationship I’ve had in a long time.
I have never been a person to be friends with everybody. I’m not a very trusting person. Usually someone must make an effort with me first and then I can eventually let down my guard. I have always had just one or two close friends at a time, and that has always felt perfectly right to me. I’ve never been a person who enjoys being in large groups of people, nor to I feel the need to jump on every bandwagon that comes my way. I’m maybe a little too discerning; because of that I often find myself alone.
When I was still living with my husband, I always looked to him to fill my loneliness. For him, I’m sure it was a frustrating and difficult job to try to fill that gaping black hole in me. What a no-win situation! Even after we first separated, I found myself frantically searching for friends, particularly a man friend, because I felt I couldn’t be complete without someone in my life.
“How we need another soul to cling to,” said Sylvia Plath, who eventually committed suicide by putting her head in an oven and turning on the gas.
That deep hole within me, I have learned over many years, couldn’t be filled by my husband, or by anybody. I needed to fill it myself.
In Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, Matthieu Ricard reports that “fifteen percent of Americans report experiencing an intense feeling of loneliness once a week. Anyone who cuts himself off from others and the universe, trapped in the bubble of his own ego, feels alone in the middle of a crowd. But those who understand the interdependence of all phenomena are not lonely; the hermit, for example, feels in harmony with the entire universe.”
In one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert tells herself: “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
When I first got to Korea, I had to learn to deal with true loneliness. I thought I felt lonely in my marriage, but that was nothing compared to the loneliness I felt in that country. I had no one to fall back on. I became friends with Myrna, but she was often busy with her younger friends. Seth and Anna became good friends to me, and for that I will always be grateful.
At first I used to wallow in my loneliness, afraid to venture out by myself into the strange world of Korea. With great effort, I learned how to use the buses and trains in Korea, and to get out to explore the country. Even if I had to travel alone, which I did most of the time, I made myself do it. All of that helped me learn how to be comfortable in my loneliness. Slowly, very slowly, I started to actually enjoy my company, my solitude. I still was hoping to find that perfect man who could be my soul mate in life, but too often the men I met I found disappointing. I began to realize I enjoyed my company more than theirs.
Even when I returned to Virginia for six months after Korea, and during my first months in Oman, I was hoping to meet that amazing man who could be the antidote to my loneliness. But soon it became apparent that wasn’t going to happen. So I started going out and exploring Oman on my own. I had a nice camera that I took with me on my excursions, but I didn’t think much about trying to take really good pictures. It was only when I met Mario that I learned to see things in a different way. He is an amazing photographer, and he loves and knows so much about nature that he taught me a new appreciation for it. From him, I learned to see in a new way. I think since meeting Mario, my photography has improved , as my love for exploring the outdoors has grown.
In the last couple of years, I think my mindset has changed. Now, instead of dwelling on and feeling sad about my loneliness, I cherish my solitude. There is a difference. I see loneliness as being a lack, something missing, whereas I see solitude as a conscious choice to be, and enjoy being, alone.
Janet Fitch says, in White Oleander, “ Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
I no longer feel a desperation to fill my solitude with a man, or with another person. If I find another person with whom I connect, a person with whom I have chemistry, a person with whom I have a great rapport, a person who makes me laugh, then I will cultivate that friendship. Otherwise I will continue to fill my hours as I have finally learned to do, by reading, taking pictures, writing my blog and my novel, going on excursions, planning my travels, taking walks outside, watching films, trying to eat healthy food, meditating and working on my spiritual growth. A glass of red wine on top of that doesn’t hurt. 🙂
I have met many expats in both Korea and Oman who immerse themselves in whatever they have found to furnish their loneliness. Some immerse themselves in religion, either seeking out Christian churches or going on Buddhist retreats, or converting to Islam. I know a man who spends all his time reading and as far as I know, rarely goes out. Whenever I ask him what his plans are for the weekend, he says he will “catch up on his reading.” I know people who spend their nights going out to bars, drinking heavily and looking for a companion to fill their evenings. I know people who go to Muscat every weekend to see a film or go shopping or go to the beach. I know people who are workaholics and expect the same from other teachers, not understanding that most of us want a life outside of work.
I know people who have lived here for months, even years, and have never even taken a walk outside. Many people have never ventured out to explore Oman. I know people who have made it a mission to save as many stray cats in Oman as possible. I know quite talented artists who paint and draw. I know people who are into feng shui and crystals and reincarnation. I know people who are always thinking of business schemes, ways to make money outside of work. I know people who volunteer for overtime work to make extra money; they are probably stashing away thousands of dollars. I know people who go scuba diving regularly. I know people who are in the thick of all the gossip and know everything about everybody. I know people who are working on Master’s degrees or doctorates and people who have been in Oman for years and spend their time socializing with long-time expat friends. There are all kinds of people in the expat world, and we all struggle in our own way to make a meaningful experience out of our time here.
As for each individual, I don’t know. I can’t say whether people are merely furnishing their loneliness, or embellishing, even star-spangling, their solitude. I think there is a difference, and for the most part, except with interludes here and there, I like to think I am star-spangling my solitude. For me, that is a great leap in my personal growth.
bluebrightly said:
You’ve painted a detailed, rich portrait of the road you traveled from wanting someone to fill the void to feeling more complete yourself. No wonder that I love hearing it was partly Mario’s love of nature & photography, and getting out & exploring that helped, but you were ready! You had done the work to get to the point of being ready to find solace in a new place. Living alone does give one a lot of space – space to feel lonely, but also space to think and to create, and you take such good advantage of that. These are lovely photos – the roses again, the white flower, and especially the one of you – wonderful. I too have felt very much the outsider here, even though it’s within the same country, it’s been a pretty big leap, and it’s really a drag feeling like an outsider all the time. And looking for friends? It doesn’t work that way, but even though you know that, you do it because you also know you want some fun company! I sense you taking stock and I bet you wonder what the challenges will be in the next phase, back in the US.
catbirdinoman said:
Lynn, this comment brought tears to my eyes. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. Yes, it’s all been a slow process. You know, I’ve been married twice, for 25 years of my adult life, and it’s only in the last 6 years that I’ve really been alone. At first it was such a shock, but I realized I often felt alone in my marriages and was often looking to fill that void. I still have a long way to go on this journey, but I hope it will be a forward progression with only minor setbacks.
I know it must be hard to relocate for you too. It’s hard to break your way into a new community and find your way. I’m sure you’ll be fine though because you really are such a lovely person.
I think part of why I’ve been sick the last two months is the stress over my upcoming return to the US. There are so many unknowns. I’m familiar with the job I’ll have, as I’ve worked there before, and I loved it. So that’s one known factor. And seeing my children of course will be the highlight. As far as my husband, who knows what will become of us? Whatever happens, I’m more prepared to deal with it than I would have been even 3 years ago.
restlessjo said:
Enjoying the experience of life and learning from it whatever you can, with or without a partner, Cath? You seem to me to be doing a pretty good job of channelling all your energy.
Congrats on being singled out on The Daily Post for your ‘Day in my Life’, by the way.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, Jo. Yes, I’m trying find fulfilling things to keep me busy, and I don’t seem to have any problem doing that. Thanks so much for noticing I got singled out for ‘Day in my Life.’ It was surprising and wonderful, especially since I almost didn’t contribute at all! Funny that. 🙂
crazytraintotinkytown said:
Love that picture of you Cathy – very Ab Fab
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, Dallas! 🙂
Lucid Gypsy said:
In the time I have ‘known’ you I sense change and growth.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, Gilly. I hope to continue that growth. I’m sure I still have a long way to go! 🙂
tchistorygal said:
What a great post! I think we all deal with loneliness, whether married or single, in or out of the country. You must feel it so much more, though because you don’t have the opportunities to call up a friend had just go out. I look forward to the outings that I have with friends, and I don’t mind being by myself. I keep very busy working with various organizations, and always have kept busy going to school or learning something, challenging myself and having deadlines to get things done.
In retirement, I find the challenge of managing my time wisely to get useful and fulfilling things done, and not allowing time to just slip by unnoticed. Because I am busy, however, I don’t suffer from loneliness as much as I would if I just pined. Thanks for sharing your candid thoughts. You did a wonderful job of it.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much, tchistorygal, for sharing your insightful comments. And thanks for visiting! I think several of the things you mention are really valuable: getting involved with causes you care for and going to school and always learning. I just got my Master’s degree in 2008, when I was 52. I never want to stop learning.
I know it’s hard to manage your retirement time wisely. I was a stay-at-home mom for 15 years, and I can’t tell you how much time I wasted. But I tried to fill my time with friends, hobbies, writing. Now there are never enough hours in the day, because work takes so much of my time!! 🙂
tchistorygal said:
Good for you!!!! I think I was about 45 or so when I got mine. It was quite useful. I worked for 11 years as a consultant because I had it, and was able to retire at 60 instead of 65 or so. You can be so proud of yourself. So many people never get it. You work doubly hard to get it while you work, but when you graduate, you are already used to working hard. That’s how it is for me now – even in retirement. I work almost as hard as I ever did because I’m used to working. I just can’t focus on which things I want to do. That’s why, for me it is good to be involved in so many organizations. They all have “work” to do, and I am a workaholic. So I tend to do all that first, just to give my life some structure. Then all the other hobbies I have compete for my time. I admire your bravery in going out and teaching in different countries. I always wanted to do that, but even when I was widowed, didn’t have the courage to just jump out and try it! 🙂
catbirdinoman said:
You were lucky to find work using your Master’s, tchistorygal. I got my Master’s when I was 52; however, it seemed it was a little too late to be trying on a new career after 15 years as a stay-at-home mom. The job I have now doesn’t even require a Master’s and certainly my Master’s in International Commerce and Policy has nothing to do with teaching ESL. Funny how life takes us on roundabout paths. I still would love to find a job using my M.A., otherwise I feel all that time and money isn’t put to good use. Of course, learning is always good for its own sake, but still. I’d like to work in my field. You might really enjoy teaching abroad just for the cultural experience and travel opportunities. It certainly makes you a stronger person! Although you sound like a pretty solidly grounded person as it is. 🙂
tchistorygal said:
Thanks for the compliment. I think I am fairly well grounded as a person. You do have an interesting masters’ degree. I imagine it is hard to break into a field like that at any age, and the older you get – with no experience – the harder. My husband’s sister tried to go out into the workforce for the first time at age 58. If she had been a Spanish speaker rather than an English speaker at that age, she would have qualified for disability. She now works in a laundry in a nursing home. It took her nearly 2 years to find that job!
Your job sounds like lots of fun. I taught ESL to children in the US coming here from Mexico. But you get to travel. It sounds like you are coming back here, though. You should be an author, and write about your experiences. You are a great writer.
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks so much for sharing, and for your words of encouragement. I really do want to write several books when I return home and I really hope I can do it and get them published. I definitely have some interesting stories to tell, stories that I can’t really post on a blog, but would make a great book! That’s so nice of you to say you enjoy my writing. That makes my day. 🙂
tchistorygal said:
We’ll share more as we go along together! 🙂
Beauty Along the Road said:
Cathy – what a thoughtful and deeply inspired essay on loneliness and solitude. Your hard-earned wisdom in this area is definitely shining through. I am glad that you are using your free time in ways that nourish and develop you. There are so many distractions in this world that keep people from getting to know themselves, most people don’t even know that they don’t know the most important stranger they haven’t met yet – themselves.
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you so much, Annette. I’ve been thinking about this for several months now, ever since the conversation with my French friend. I’m glad I finally sat down and wrote it! I agree, it’s a hard thing to learn to be alone and to enjoy your own company. This has come to me late in life; too bad I didn’t learn it earlier. I might have been much happier along the journey. 🙂
Beauty Along the Road said:
Better late than never…. some things just take decades to learn. That’s what I appreciate about being middle-age now, so much more wisdom and insight into life than during my stormy, woolly 20s and 30s!
catbirdinoman said:
I agree, Annette. Every day and every year, we continue to grow. I think that’s what life is all about. I definitely wouldn’t want to go back to my 20s or 30s!! 🙂
Katt said:
I still wallow ……your pictures are beautiful though!
catbirdinoman said:
Thanks, Katt. And yes, I think we all do wallow at times. But you write a blog! You don’t have time to wallow too much! You’re too busy living and creating. 🙂
Jose Luis Juarez said:
I can´t tell you how much I have enjoyed your posts and those spectacular pictures. You will never be alone when you can go back to those wonderful memories. Great memories make good company, don´t they?
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you so much, Jose! Yes, I’ll be so happy to have all these wonderful memories, especially as I get further removed from them and my real memory starts to fade.
Carol said:
There is loneliness and there is aloneness. I think it takes most of us a lot of time to learn to differentiate and to appreciate those differences – I know it did me. But now, I treasure my alone times. Without that solitude I would not be able to maintain. One of the reasons I am so excited about my daughter going to Korea to teach (maybe not the best time for that, but is anywhere in this world really safe anymore?) is that it will be her first experience at really living alone, which I think opens the door for so much growth.
I am so happy for you that your journey is bringing light to the end of the tunnel, and that you are reaching out to that light.
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you so much, Carol, for sharing and for your insightful comments (as always)! I think having to learn to be alone was a lesson I really needed to learn. I enjoy my solitude now and protect it steadfastly, but I still love to spend time with my precious people (children and close friends). I think and hope I will continue to grow and evolve throughout my life, however long that is. 🙂
When does your daughter go to Korea? I know it certainly doesn’t seem safe there now. When I was there, North Korea sunk a S. Korean submarine, and bombed an island. The South Koreans just shrugged it off as more bluster by the North. I was worried, but their calmness helped me to adopt the same attitude. Keep us posted on what your daughter does.
dearrosie said:
I enjoy your Friday meditations Cathy. You are brave to share so much of your journey with us. Your bravery is what’s going to help get you out of your loneliness.
I know a little bit about loneliness – its been really hard to make friends here in S. CA. People are busy with their lives, as anyone who moves to a new city will discover and especially when you move as an adult.
I love the comment about the guy who is always going to catch up on his reading every weekend.
I like the photo of you and the rose petals. It feels as if you’re sharing them with us. “Be my friend here catch…” thanks I caught some.
catbirdinoman said:
Thank you so much for your kind comments, dear Rosie!! I know loneliness is something we all struggle with, so I’m happy when people can relate to what I share. That makes me happier than anything.
I’m really a little worried about what will happen when I return to the USA. It seems I have lost contact with my old friends, so I will either need to reach out to them again or find new ones, or a combination of both. At least I will have my children near, and that will be a big bonus to my life.
Yes, that guy who’s always “catching up on his reading” is amusing to me as well. Whenever he says that, I envision him running around his apartment chasing after his books! 🙂
Yes, I hope you do catch my rose petals, Rosie (how appropriate!) because I’m certainly sharing them with you. 🙂
dearrosie said:
I haven’t forgotten that your sister lives near me! I look forward to meeting you 😀
catbirdinoman said:
Yes, I really want to meet you too! I hope I can pull off a trip to California over the Christmas holiday. 🙂
Gosia said:
Beautiful photos! I love roses and their scent. I hope we could see them in 2 weeks time when we arrive to Oman. We would like to go to Nizwa on Friday 26th April by bus to see camel or goat market, but I am not sure if it is on Saturday? After Nizwa we want to visit Bahla, Jebel Akhdar and maybe Jebel Shams. Later Wahiba Sands, turtles and -according to your recomendation – Wadi Shab. I have heared that tourists are sometimes asked to visit an Omani home. Do you think that it is safe for 2 women? An what about sleeping in Bedouins tent on a desert? I think it could be interesting to see how they live. I would be grateful for your advice 🙂
I also wonder if it is possible to see sultan anywhere, for instance if he comes to the mosque in Muscat on Fridays. I have heared so many good things about him that it would be something great for me just to have a look at him going from car to mosque.
catbirdinoman said:
Hi Gosia, Sorry it took me so long to reply but I was out of town for the weekend. I hope you’ll visit the camel and goat market. I actually haven’t seen the camel market and am not sure that’s in Nizwa, but the cattle and goat market is at Nizwa souq on Friday morning (not Saturday). I think you will find it interesting, for sure!
I think you will love all the places where you plan to travel. Jebel Akhdar is my favorite, but you know you need a four-wheel drive to do it.
It’s definitely safe for two women to visit an Omani home. It’s very safe in Oman in general. You don’t have to worry at all. Just be careful not to let anyone talk you into anything you don’t want to do.
I have never seen the Sultan in the almost 2 years I’ve lived here, and I don’t know of anyone else who has either. But maybe you’ll have good luck, who knows?
I hope you enjoy your trip. You can let me know when you’ll be in Nizwa and I’d love to meet you if you’re not too busy. 🙂
Gosia said:
Thank you for the answer 🙂 It would be very nice to meet you in Nizwa. I hope there are some internet cafe or any other internet access in Nizwa to contact you. So, see you soon!
catbirdinoman said:
Well, Gosia, you can always call me at +968 97211635. Let me know in advance which day you’ll be in Nizwa. 🙂
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