friday meditation: flow

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Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, May 3:  In the book Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, Matthieu Ricard talks about what he calls the state of “flow,” in which “the fact of being immersed in what we are doing counts for more than the end result.”

“The river is everywhere.” ~ Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

This flow depends on the amount of attention given to the lived experience.  One is completely involved in an activity for its own sake and there’s a sense of transcending the ego and time.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Mario and I were having one of our rambling conversations and he noted that all of us spend our lives trying to fend off boredom.  We all want to have something that truly absorbs us.  Something challenging and enjoyable.  We are afraid of being bored, of feeling like we have nothing that engages us for the long hours we spend in solitude.

“Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act.”
― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

I’ve been searching my whole life for something that could fully engage me. When I was in middle school, I spent all my free time reading novels about horses, writing stories about horses, leaping over jumps on imaginary horses through an obstacle course set up in the back yard, playing with marbles named after famous horses on a marble racetrack.  It seems silly when I look back on it now, but at the time, I was happy and I loved every minute I spent engaged in these activities.

When it started feeling that these activities were too babyish and not “cool” enough for a teenage girl, I gave them up.  Simultaneously, it became clear that my ultimate dream of actually owning a horse was certainly NOT going to come true.

In my teenage years, I didn’t have much to absorb me.  I spent all my time hanging out with my friends, going to the beach, shopping, going to parties.  I had a great time doing these things, but when I was alone I felt lost.  I didn’t have anything to do with myself that fully engaged me except reading novels, which luckily has always provided me moments of pure enjoyment.

“Faith does not need to push the river because faith is able to trust that there is a river. The river is flowing. We are in it.” ~ Richard Rohr

Later, in my married life, I had the luxury of staying home with my children for 15 years.  Yet.  Somehow, I lacked those maternal instincts that enabled me to enjoy spending countless hours sitting on the floor playing make-believe with them.  I enjoyed limited activities: taking them outdoors to play on a  playground with other children, or taking them for walks in a stroller, or swinging while holding them in my lap and reciting Robert Lewis Stevenson’s “The Swing.”

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside–

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown–
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

So many long and tedious hours, being a stay-at-home mom.  You’d think a person would cherish all that time to simply be engaged with her children, but, truth be told, I didn’t.  All I could do was to get through my duties with my children, interact with them as if they were miniature adults, and then wait for their nap time, so I could find a few precious minutes to try to figure out what I would like to do with my life.

“But anyone who has experienced flow knows that the deep enjoyment it provides requires an equal degree of disciplined concentration.”
― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

During these long years, I explored many activities that I hoped would engage me.  I made quilts.  I spent hours in quilt stores collecting fabrics and quilt books, designing quilts, cutting the pieces, sewing them together, and then quilting them by hand. Eventually, I found parts of this hobby I didn’t enjoy.  I liked designing and putting the fabrics together, but I didn’t enjoy the sewing part.  I found it tedious and uncomfortable, sitting at a sewing machine for hours on end.  Slowly, my interest dwindled.

Then I tried interior design.  Since I had a knack for putting fabrics and colors together, I figured I could design the interiors of people’s houses.  I took classes in interior design and even spent scores of hours at an architectural drafting board drawing plans, including electricity, plumbing, and lighting, for my dream house.  I still have those blueprints today and am amazed every time I look at them.  While still attending classes, I started a little interior design business.  But, once again, I found there was a part of this business I didn’t like.  I loved putting the fabrics and the whole design of a room together, but I didn’t like the sales part. I’ve never been comfortable with sales; I had discovered this from my years as a stockbroker when I had to make 20-25 cold calls a day.

Oh, all these futile attempts to find “flow” in my life.  When it really hit me that interior design involved such a sales aspect, I moved next to trying to realize my lifelong dream of becoming a writer.

“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I have always dreamed of writing, so I started taking creative writing classes, both in poetry and short fiction, at Northern Virginia Community College.  After taking all the creative writing classes I could take there, I took classes at George Mason University.  During this time, I wrote numerous short stories and poems.  I also began writing my novel, the first draft of which took me about 1 1/2 years.  Several things happened during this time to throw me off track; one of these was that my husband lost his job after 25 years, and I had to go back to work at a financial services firm.  I had never wanted to work in a banking-related field again, so I became very depressed.  The first draft of my novel sat unedited on my computer for nearly 10 years.

For awhile I tried making jewelry.  I had no intention to sell this jewelry; I just wanted to do something creative that would engage me.  I did enjoy that for quite a while, until I got too busy working on my Master’s degree in International Commerce and Policy, in 2006.

Being a student has always engaged me.  Whenever I have taken classes, whether in English, business administration, interior design, creative writing, or finally, my Master’s in International Commerce & Policy, I have experienced “flow.”  I always knew that if I could be a student forever, I’d be perpetually happy.

flow: studying puts me in a state of flow

In Happiness, Ricard says that “if we are to enter into flow, the task must monopolize all our attention and present a challenge commensurate with our abilities.  If it’s too difficult, tension sets in, followed by anxiety; too easy, and we relax and are soon bored.”

“So long as the state lasts, there is a loss of reflective self-consciousness.”  The alert subject becomes one with his action and ceases to observe himself.

According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, “one can experience flow when undertaking the most mundane tasks, such as ironing or working on a production line.  It all depends on how one experiences the passage of time.  Conversely, without flow, virtually any activity will be tedious, if not downright unbearable.”

Flow can be both negative or positive, and this value depends on the motivation coloring the mind. For example, a burglar carrying out his plan or a gambler at a roulette table can also lose himself and all sense of time.  Thus flow is only a tool, and “in order to have it make any improvement in the quality of our lives, it must be imbued with human qualities, such as altruism and wisdom.”

Yes, flow can be negative or positive, and I’ve experienced both in my life.  One negative experience of flow in my life was through shopping.  Addictive shopping.  I could get lost for hours wandering through my favorite shops of anthropologie or South Moon Under.  But this activity was not positive because shopping was just a fleeting distraction.  There was no creative aspect to it and I was squandering a lot of time and money.

Flow’s “major contribution to the quality of life consists in endowing every momentary experience with value,” say Jeanne Nakamura and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.  Ricard adds that “it can be extremely valuable in helping us to appreciate every moment of existence and putting it to the most constructive use possible.”

“flow:” engrossed in what you’re doing, time flows rapidly past

It has only been in the last three years that I’ve discovered what I believe to be a positive “flow” in my life.  I have had to learn how to be alone for hours and hours and to keep myself entertained.

I am not one to run off with random groups of other expats to go shopping in Muscat, or to gallivant around the country.  I don’t like being thrown together with random people to go anywhere, to be honest.  I like to pick the company I keep very carefully.  So happening upon a few close friends, like Mario and a few others, has been a blessing.  Since Mario and I both enjoy taking walks outside and taking pictures, we have really enjoyed our explorations together.  When we are exploring Oman together, the hours speed by.  We are fully engaged in the activity.

I actually found, once I became brave enough to travel alone, that I feel “flow” all the time when traveling. Talking a walk in a new land with my camera in hand, I feel suspended in time.  While writing about my travel experiences later in my blog, I actually feel so fully engaged that hours pass without me even realizing it.  This is what I believe to be “flow.”  At the end of every evening, I have to force myself to go to bed; I feel there are never enough hours in the day for all the things I want to do.  This, I believe, is one aspect of finding flow.  Working on my novel gives me a similar feeling.  I love this flow because it comes from within, from my own creative impulses.  It satisfies some yearning I have to open myself up to others.

“The quality of the imagination is to flow, and not to freeze.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ricard suggests that “contemplating the nature of the mind is a deep and fruitful experience combining relaxation and flow.”

This is where meditation comes in.  I have been doing a meditation practice for several months now, but I admit in the last week, somehow I have let my practice slip by the wayside.  I know when I practice time in silence, I do experience “flow.”  This is the most valuable thing I can do for myself and I want to keep it as a priority in my life.

“A good life is one that is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.” ~ Jeanne Nakamura and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

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friday meditation: star-spangling our solitude

Tags

Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, April 5:  A couple of months ago I was having dinner with a young woman who teaches French in the Foreign Languages Department at the university.  We were talking about things we do with our free time.  She told me a friend of hers coined a phrase to describe our attempts, as expats, to fill our long lonely hours.  This friend called these attempts: “furnishing our loneliness.”

Living as an expat can be a lonely existence.  No matter how much you try, you can never belong to the culture where you are living.  You are always an outsider.  Sure, sometimes foreigners befriend you and invite you to do things, and sometimes you do make some good friends.  I had some very close friends in Korea, both women and men; in Oman, it’s been a different story.  Oman is a very traditional and closed society.  In Oman, I have found nothing even close to the female friendships I had with Kim Dong Hee and Julie Moon in Daegu, or the male friendship I had with Young Dae from Seoul.

Some Omani rose-picking ladies give me a gift of roses to embellish my loneliness. What more could say “love”?

Sometimes you become close to other expats who are living in the same circumstances as you.  But too often your world of possible friends is very small.  You either get along with the few expats you work with, or you find it takes too much of an effort to enjoy their company.  When I first arrived here, I connected with a few women, but as they are the kind of women who love to have many acquaintances, I knew we wouldn’t have the closest of connections.  It was only when I met Mario that I found a true friend.  Slowly, slowly, we have built a trusting and close friendship that I value more than any relationship I’ve had in a long time.

I have never been a person to be friends with everybody.  I’m not a very trusting person.  Usually someone must make an effort with me first and then I can eventually let down my guard.  I have always had just one or two close friends at a time, and that has always felt perfectly right to me.  I’ve never been a person who enjoys being in large groups of people, nor to I feel the need to jump on every bandwagon that comes my way.  I’m maybe a little too discerning; because of that I often find myself alone.

cultivating a solitary existence is important when living as an expat in a foreign land

When I was still living with my husband, I always looked to him to fill my loneliness.  For him, I’m sure it was a frustrating and difficult job to try to fill that gaping black hole in me. What a no-win situation!  Even after we first separated, I found myself frantically searching for friends, particularly a man friend, because I felt I couldn’t be complete without someone in my life.

“How we need another soul to cling to,” said Sylvia Plath, who eventually committed suicide by putting her head in an oven and turning on the gas.

That deep hole within me, I have learned over many years, couldn’t be filled by my husband, or by anybody.   I needed to fill it myself.

In Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, Matthieu Ricard reports that “fifteen percent of Americans report experiencing an intense feeling of loneliness once a week.  Anyone who cuts himself off from others and the universe, trapped in the bubble of his own ego, feels alone in the middle of a crowd.  But those who understand the interdependence of all phenomena are not lonely; the hermit, for example, feels in harmony with the entire universe.”

a goal: to feel in harmony with the universe and all its wonders

In one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert tells herself: “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

When I first got to Korea, I had to learn to deal with true loneliness.  I thought I felt lonely in my marriage, but that was nothing compared to the loneliness I felt in that country.  I had no one to fall back on.  I became friends with Myrna, but she was often busy with her younger friends.  Seth and Anna became good friends to me, and for that I will always be grateful.

At first I used to wallow in my loneliness, afraid to venture out by myself into the strange world of Korea.  With great effort, I learned how to use the buses and trains in Korea, and to get out to explore the country.  Even if I had to travel alone, which I did most of the time, I made myself do it.  All of that helped me learn how to be comfortable in my loneliness.  Slowly, very slowly, I started to actually enjoy my company, my solitude. I still was hoping to find that perfect man who could be my soul mate in life, but too often the men I met I found disappointing.  I began to realize I enjoyed my company more than theirs.

even a pomegranate flower thrives in its solitude.

Even when I returned to Virginia for six months after Korea, and during my first months in Oman, I was hoping to meet that amazing man who could be the antidote to my loneliness.  But soon it became apparent that wasn’t going to happen.  So I started going out and exploring Oman on my own.  I had a nice camera that I took with me on my excursions, but I didn’t think much about trying to take really good pictures.  It was only when I met Mario that I learned to see things in a different way. He is an amazing photographer, and he loves and knows so much about nature that he taught me a new appreciation for it.  From him, I learned to see in a new way.  I think since meeting Mario, my photography has improved , as my love for exploring the outdoors has grown.

In the last couple of years, I think my mindset has changed.  Now, instead of dwelling on and feeling sad about my loneliness, I cherish my solitude.  There is a difference.  I see loneliness as being a lack, something missing, whereas I see solitude as a conscious choice to be, and enjoy being, alone.

Solitude is a conscious choice to be, and enjoy being, alone.

Janet Fitch says, in White Oleander, “
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

I no longer feel a desperation to fill my solitude with a man, or with another person.  If I find another person with whom I connect, a person with whom I have chemistry, a person with whom I have a great rapport, a person who makes me laugh, then I will cultivate that friendship.  Otherwise I will continue to fill my hours as I have finally learned to do, by reading, taking pictures, writing my blog and my novel, going on excursions, planning my travels, taking walks outside, watching films, trying to eat healthy food, meditating and working on my spiritual growth.  A glass of red wine on top of that doesn’t hurt. 🙂

the ways to embellish your loneliness are abundant

I have met many expats in both Korea and Oman who immerse themselves in whatever they have found to furnish their loneliness.  Some immerse themselves in religion, either seeking out Christian churches or going on Buddhist retreats, or converting to Islam.  I know a man who spends all his time reading and as far as I know, rarely goes out.  Whenever I ask him what his plans are for the weekend, he says he will “catch up on his reading.”  I know people who spend their nights going out to bars, drinking heavily and looking for a companion to fill their evenings.  I know people who go to Muscat every weekend to see a film or go shopping or go to the beach.  I know people who are workaholics and expect the same from other teachers, not understanding that most of us want a life outside of work.

I know people who have lived here for months, even years, and have never even taken a walk outside.  Many people have never ventured out to explore Oman.  I know people who have made it a mission to save as many stray cats in Oman as possible.  I know quite talented artists who paint and draw.  I know people who are into feng shui and crystals and reincarnation. I know people who are always thinking of business schemes, ways to make money outside of work.  I know people who volunteer for overtime work to make extra money; they are probably stashing away thousands of dollars. I know people who go scuba diving regularly.  I know people who are in the thick of all the gossip and know everything about everybody.  I know people who are working on Master’s degrees or doctorates and people who have been in Oman for years and spend their time socializing with long-time expat friends.  There are all kinds of people in the expat world, and we all struggle in our own way to make a meaningful experience out of our time here.

star-spangled solitude

As for each individual, I don’t know.  I can’t say whether people are merely furnishing their loneliness, or embellishing, even star-spangling, their solitude.  I think there is a difference, and for the most part, except with interludes here and there, I like to think I am star-spangling my solitude.  For me, that is a great leap in my personal growth.

friday meditation: the treasure of time

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Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, March 29:  This week I finished reading Happiness, by Matthieu Ricard, but he has given me so much to think about, I have a number of topics I’d still like to explore over the next several weeks.  In a fascinating chapter called “Golden Time, Leaden Time, Wasted Time,”  Ricard compares time to a “fine gold powder that we distractedly allow to slip through our fingers without ever realizing it.” The quote at the beginning of the chapter is this:

Those whom summer’s heat tortures yearn for the full moon of autumn
Without even fearing the idea
That a hundred days of their life will then have passed forever.
~ Buddha Shakyamuni

rose blossoms are as ephemeral as each passing moment

When I read this quote, I see myself a little too clearly.  I am the person who, tortured by Oman’s “summer’s heat” yearns “for the full moon of autumn.”  Everyone knows how much I am looking forward to leaving the relentless heat of Oman and returning to the four seasons in Virginia, on the east coast of the United States.  I am so ready for my time in Oman to come to an end, so I can return home to the country I love and to my family and friends.  But.  The quote says it all.  By wishing for the next three months to speed by, I should fear that 89 days of my “life will then have passed forever.”  I can see the wisdom of these words, and I feel I should really take them to heart.

Ricard reminds us that “it is essential to the quest for happiness that we be aware that time is our most precious commodity…. For the active person, golden time is when he can create, build, accomplish, and devote himself to the welfare of others.  For the contemplative, time allows him to look clearly into himself to understand his inner world and rediscover the essence of life.”

I am trying my best to cherish my remaining days in Oman, to use my “golden time.”  Even though I’m impatient to leave, I still cherish the time I spend with my students, and if I can add value to their lives, I will be happy with that.  I am trying to meditate daily (though I’m not always successful) and to read spiritual books.  I’m trying to be aware of my own sabotaging thoughts and my impatience for this time to pass, without latching on to these thoughts and without feeling irritated and antsy.  I’m spending time with my friends here and trying to get outdoors in Oman as much as I can, even as the weather gets hotter and hotter.  I’m also trying to make more effort with people whose company I enjoy but have made little effort with so far.

in a rose’s short life, there is no time for boredom

Luckily, I rarely feel bored when I have time to myself.

Ricard says of boredom: “Boredom is the fate of those who rely entirely on distraction, for whom life is one big entertainment and who languish the minute the show stops.  Boredom is the affliction of those for whom time has no value.”  By distraction, Ricard says he does not mean “the tranquil relaxation of a hike in the woods, but pointless activities and interminable mental chatter that, far from illuminating the mind, mire it in exhausting chaos.”

the rose strives for tranquility, not chaos….

Sometimes I don’t know if the things I do with my time are just distractions, pointless activities, or if they have any real meaning. For example, I spend a lot of time writing my blogs and working on my old blogs, adding more pictures and changing the picture sizes. Maybe this is pointless activity, but for me it brings great enjoyment.  When I share something of myself through my writing and pictures and I make a human connection, I feel great pleasure. When I get insightful comments from people who read my blog, or when I sense that I touch them in some way, those connections add value to my life, and I hope to theirs.

One of my goals for this year is to finish my novel.  As of today, I’ve finished revising through chapter 15 of my 50 chapter novel. I feel this is a valuable way to spend my time because writing and publishing a novel has been my lifetime dream. Sometimes, yes, I waste time, watching a movie or reading a book just for pure pleasure.  But is that a wrong way to spend my time?  I don’t think so.

a rosebud lives each moment it is given and then passes away without distraction

Ricard says, “The idle person talks of ‘killing time.’ What a dreadful expression!  Time becomes a long, dreary line.  This is leaden time; it weighs on the idler like a burden and cripples anyone who cannot tolerate waiting, delay, boredom, solitude, setbacks, or sometimes even life itself.”

Maybe sometimes, but not often, I talk about killing time.  Usually it’s when I’m waiting in a doctor’s office, or waiting for my car to be serviced at the GMC service garage.  Or when I’m driving to work or on the interminable drive to Muscat.  Yes, these things have to be done.  But do I often feel that I am doing things to “kill time?”  I don’t think so.  Usually, I feel there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I really want to do.

I would love nothing better than to sit and contemplate this rose for a long time…

I like Ricard’s question: “Why not sit beside a lake, on top of a hill, or in a quiet room and examine what we are really made of deep inside?”  Now that appeals to me.  But in reality, I only have time to go out in nature for a walk on the weekends.  It would be lovely if I didn’t have to work and could just take my camera every day for a stroll through the wonders of nature, if I could just sit and contemplate the inner workings of my mind and the universe for hours on end.

Ricard tells of Tenzin Palmo, an English nun who spent many years in retreat, who wrote: ‘People say they have no time for ‘meditation.’ It’s not true!  You can meditate walking down the corridor, waiting for the traffic lights to change, at the computer, standing in a queue, in the bathroom, combing your hair.  Just be there in the present, without the mental commentary.’

Even in the Bible, Thessalonians 5: 16-18, it says: Rejoice always; pray without ceasing. in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

time will slip away for this rosebud just as it does for us

Ricard recommends that we cultivate a number of qualities to experience our relationship with time more harmoniously.

1) Mindfulness allows us to be aware of the passage of time.

2) Proper motivation gives color and value to time.

3) Diligence allows us to put it to good use.

4) Inner freedom prevents time being hijacked by disturbing emotions.

Finally, he ends by saying, “From the day we are born, every second, every step, brings us closer to death…. A lucid awareness of the nature of things inspires us to live every passing day to the full.”

I will try my best to enjoy my last days in Oman without wishing for them to hurry and pass.  I must slow down, contemplate, appreciate, savor these final days, hours, moments.  Because I know I will miss this place, and my dear friends, when I’m gone.

friday meditation: desire

Tags

Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, March 8:  This week, I’ve been reading about desire and the infinite forms it can take.  In Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, Matthieu Ricard differentiates between “the deep aspirations that we generate throughout our lives and the desire that is solely concentrated on craving and obsession.” He distinguishes between “desire, which is essentially a blind force, and aspiration, which is inspired by motivation and attitude.”  He says if the motivation is vast and selfless, it can be the source of great human qualities and accomplishments.  When it’s narrow and egocentric, it fuels the endless cravings of daily life and offers no guarantee of deep satisfaction.

sweet desire: mango blooms promise delectable fruit

Ricard notes that “the great pessimist Arthur Schopenhauer stated: ‘All striving springs from want or deficiency, from dissatisfaction with one’s condition, and is therefore suffering as long as it is not satisfied.  No satisfaction, however, is lasting; on the contrary, it always merely the starting point of fresh striving.'”

When I lived in America, I was all too familiar with this striving for more and more.  Living in the suburbs of Washington, I was as guilty as all my neighbors of wanting a big and beautifully decorated house, a nice car, perfect children, lots of money.  I even went though a very long period where I was so obsessed with clothes that I got in a huge amount of debt trying to keep up with the latest fashions coming from my favorite store, anthropologie.  I think it was all about fitting in, feeding my ego, looking like I had some amount of taste.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a lot of desires.  All one has to do is to read my New Year’s Resolutions (RESOLVED 2013!!!) or my Bucket List (things to do before i die ~ otherwise known as my “before-i-kick-the-bucket list”) to know my list is long.  I am a goal-oriented person; most of my goals nowadays have to do with creative pursuits or travel or learning new things.  I also desire good friends, true love, spiritual growth and time in the company of my children.  Lately, of course, I have a strong desire to return to the United States, to return home to my family, my old friends, and a job I love.  I miss so many things about home: four distinct seasons; abundant green; access to a wide variety of restaurants, movies and books; familiarity with my culture; and, most of all, a sense of belonging.

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~ Robert Frost

Are these desires good or bad?  Like Schopenhauer says above, satisfaction (of desire) is merely the starting point of fresh striving.  I know from personal past experience, that satisfaction of a desire often leads to more desires.  And that attachment to any desire’s outcome can be problematic.

“When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more.  Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, oh yes — I already have everything that I really need.” ~ Dalai Lama

Shortly after the September 11 terrorist attacks, I became obsessed by the Arab world.  Eventually, a determination to learn about this foreign world, and to somehow make a difference, led me to what was once my heart’s desire: to live and work in the Middle East.  I achieved my desire, but not exactly in the way I envisioned it or wanted it.  I wanted to work in international development, especially in Egypt, but instead life led me to teaching English to Omani girls. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but it’s been an eye-opening journey that I value immensely.  However, all the things I overlooked by focusing on this obsessive desire have now come back to haunt me:  separation from my family and my home, suspension of close friendships, and the homesickness I strongly feel.

we all have desires, things that appear as a light out of darkness

I know I’m attached to this outcome, returning home, but I am also trying hard to make the most of the present moment, these last days in Oman.  I have a lot I work on every day: I still try to travel every Thursday. I have embarked on a daily spiritual practice.  I’ve revised through Chapter 10 of my 50-chapter novel.  I have been updating all my blogs, including my year in Korea (catbird in korea), to show larger pictures and to break down long, cumbersome posts into smaller posts.  I am saving money and paying down my debt.  I’m trying to enjoy my students and my dear friends in Oman.

I’m trying hard not to focus too much on the outcome of returning home, though it’s difficult at times.  Most of the time I keep myself too busy in the present moment to dwell on this desire and its outcome.

I know a friend who trekked to the base camp of Mt. Everest.  She said she nearly died from altitude sickness because she was too attached to the outcome of getting to the base camp. It’s possible she might not be alive today because of that attachment.

We all have been attached to outcomes, so that the disappointment in not achieving the desire becomes crushing.  A cause of suffering. I have been attached to outcomes like this in the past.  When I desired to get married the second time, I was so attached to that outcome that I was afraid to reveal my true self to my potential husband.  If I hadn’t finally opened up and revealed myself, he would have married someone who wasn’t even really me!

I suffered a number of huge disappointments in my life regarding my career.  First, I applied to get into the MFA – Creative Writing program at George Mason University.  At the same time I applied, I began work on a novel.  I had to wait about 5 months to hear whether I was accepted, and during that time I was doing yoga and was quite productive on my novel.  After 5 months, I got word that I wasn’t accepted.  I was devastated.

Shortly after that my husband lost his job after 25 years with a big defense contractor, and I had to go back to work in the financial industry, which I hated.  I had to put my novel aside.  No matter.  After being rejected by GMU, I didn’t feel the novel had any potential anyway. Finally, when my husband got a new job, I was able to quit my job and return to my novel, but with much less enthusiasm.  All the wind had been knocked out of me.

the fruit fly’s desire translates to cross pollination and the creation of fruit

After this, a long period of exploration followed, where I took interior design classes and started a little interior design business.  However, my interest fell by the wayside when I realized having a business required abilities in salesmanship.  How can someone with no confidence sell herself?

Finally, I attended the Master’s program in International Commerce & Policy at George Mason’s School of Public Policy.  I graduated in 2008, achieving a 3.8 average, because it was the perfect blend of my financial industry experience and my interest in foreign affairs following the September 11 attacks.  I did two internships at the U.S. State Department, one in the Office of U.N Political Affairs and one in the Office of the Chief of Protocol, organizing events for then-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.  I worked on the Annapolis Middle East Peace Conference in fall of 2007; I was responsible for the U.N. delegation to the conference.

Despite all of this, upon graduation, I applied to 250 jobs in international development, including to the State Department, USAID, and too many non-profits and government contractors to count.  All to no avail.  I simply couldn’t get a job.  My desire to work in this field was so strong that relentlessly, I bounced out of bed each day and sent off a new application. I attended networking events and met with people who could help me.  Obviously, it was not meant to be.  I believe to this day it was because of my age (52 at the time) and the fact that I had a 15-year gap on my resume when I was a stay-at-home mom.

Eventually, I got incredibly depressed.  Not from rejection, because I wasn’t even being rejected.  I was being ignored.  Out of all those jobs, I only had about 5 interviews and zero job offers.  It was the first time in my entire life that I actually entertained the notion of suicide.

desire: blooms > fruit

I was so attached to the outcome I desired that I could have ended my life, leaving behind my children and a family who loved me.  And I would have missed out on all the amazing experiences that I’ve had in Korea, Oman and in all my travels over the last three years.  A perfect example of the danger of obsessive desire.

I won’t even get into my obsessive desires regarding my love life!  In that regard, these days, I no longer have any desires.  I think Oman has been good for me in helping me get rid of that obsession.

Anyway, in my life now, I have become generally less attached to outcomes.  I still have desires, but I try to be realistic about them as much as possible, and to not place huge importance on their achievement.  I try to live in the present moment as much as possible and go with the flow.  I’m not always successful, but I’m much more successful than I used to be.  Maybe one day, I can be satisfied with whatever life hands me.  That is my desire, anyway!

friday meditation: anger ~ three techniques, one goal

Tags

Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, March 1:  Last week, I wrote about my struggle with the destructive power of anger and my plan to overcome it, to let it go.   However, despite all my reading (Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard) and my meditation practice, all my attempts this week to let go of my anger failed.  Not only failed, but failed miserably.

where is the key to unlock my anger?

Even though I planned to put in my time at work with simple acceptance and resignation, and then to leave all my anger behind whenever I drove off the campus, the anger has been following me home like a bad nightmare I can’t escape.  It seems to have moved into my body in the form of stomach rumblings, nausea, cramping, lack of appetite, and general abdominal upset.

In fact, ever since I returned home from Nepal at the end of January and began this semester, I have been plagued by stomach aches.  I’m certain the initial episode was a virus, including all the normal intestinal symptoms plus horrible headaches, utter exhaustion and all-over body aches and pains.  The first weekend after I returned home, I was in bed all weekend, barely able to eat or function.  I saw a doctor, took some medicine, and felt better, for less than a week.  Then the stomach problems started up again.  I went for another round of medicine and felt better for about a week, then, this week, it started up again.  I began to think these stomach problems were stress-related.  When I went to the doctor Wednesday afternoon, he took a blood test to rule out a bacterial infection and agreed that the problem could very well be the result of stress.

The anger is now affecting not only my mental but my physical health, and that means it is serious.  Very serious.  I don’t take threats to my health lightly.  I know that I must do something to remedy this situation.

anger is a strong barrier to my happiness, AND my health

I subscribe to an email called The Daily Love, which every day brings inspirational quotes and articles into my inbox. Today, this quote came to me through cyberspace:

“Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.”

– Sarah Ban Breathnach

Obviously, I am not ready to receive peace of mind with an open and grateful heart.  I need to open myself up more to what the universe has to teach me. Again, as so often happens, I found more food for thought in Ricard’s advice (Happiness).  He says that Buddhism teaches you various ways to familiarize yourself, through meditation, with “a new vision of things, a new way to manage your thoughts, of perceiving people and experiencing the world.”  He describes the three principal ways  as “antidotes, liberation, and utilization.”

maybe these steps will lead me out of anger into peace

He describes antidotes as turning the mind from anger to loving-kindness.  He says “we may fluctuate rapidly between love and hatred, but we cannot feel in the same instant of consciousness the desire to hurt someone and to do him good.”  He says by habitually changing hateful thoughts to altruistic love, we can gradually eliminate hatred.

He then goes on to describe liberation as freeing the emotions:  “A close examination of anger finds nothing substantial, nothing that can explain its tyrannical influence over our lives. Unless we pursue this investigation, we end up being fixated on the object of anger and overtaken by destructive emotions. If, on the other hand, we come to see that anger has no substance of its own, it rapidly loses all power.”  He goes on to say, “Buddhism calls this liberation from anger at the moment it arises, by recognizing its emptiness, its lack of its own existence.”

Finally, he describes utilization as the ability to turn the emotion to its positive use in order to create lasting change in our lives.  This is a complex idea that I have some trouble grasping, but I understand it to mean that an emotion is not inherently bad, it only becomes a negative once we fixate on it.  For example, he says, anger can push us to take action and overcome obstacles.  It also contains aspects of clarity, focus and effectiveness that are not harmful in and of themselves.

anger can become such a burden that it’s hazardous to your health

All in all, the important goal is to free ourselves “from negative emotions” and progress toward “freedom from suffering.”  He suggests these three techniques, used in meditation, can help us achieve peace of mind.

At the university, I believe there are several people, but especially one person, who is the cause of all of our distress.  Admittedly, I have lost all respect for this person.  So, in order to apply this Buddhist teaching in my meditations, whenever I think of this person, I try to love him/her.  He/She may be extremely insecure and threatened by anyone else who exhibits any competency.  He/She may be a sad person who bases identity on work, and so wants everyone else to feel just as miserable in their lives as he/she does.   These are just guesses, of course, as I don’t really know him/her personally. All I really know is the stress he/she causes in MY life (& my colleagues’ lives), and my resultant anger and stomach aches.  In my meditations this week, I have been trying to love him/her for whoever he/she is.  I am trying hard to turn my disrespect to love.  I will keep trying to apply this antidote technique whenever this person rises in my thoughts.

I have also noticed in my meditations that Ricard is right.  When I focus on the anger itself, it simply dissipates; it is of no substance.  However, I keep coming back to the OBJECT of the anger.  This person is real and I keep fixating on him/her.  This person does not dissipate.  He/She is here in my life and I have to live under his/her dictatorship every day at work.  So he/she is harder to banish.  Again, I try to turn my thoughts to loving him/her.  And I will continue to try to liberate my anger at the moment it arises, whenever this person manages to push my buttons.

I want to find my way over the black boulders of anger

Finally, as far as utilization, I will try to use the positive aspects of my anger to take physical action and overcome obstacles: to extricate myself from this place and return home to Virginia, where I can return to my family and to a job I love.  Each day I survive in this negative, poisonous, and degrading environment makes me a stronger person.  This knowledge that I’m a survivor, in the end, contributes to my self-confidence.  I must use focus, one positive aspect of anger, to take care of myself at work, by standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be bullied, and outside of work, by using my time for things I enjoy.  I must use the clarity brought on by anger to understand that this powerful emotion is caused by the way I am looking at things, so I should work harder to let go of the anger and to change my outlook.  And I will try to use the effectiveness aspect of anger to do the best job I can for my students, who are the ones who matter the most.  Unfortunately, they suffer the most from having stressed out and unhappy teachers.

friday meditation: the destructive power of anger

Tags

Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, February 22:  I always find it serendipitous when the universe hands you exactly what you need at just the moment you need it.  This week (and last week as well), basically ever since the semester began at the university, I have been dealing with the destructive emotion of anger.  During these two weeks, as I’ve been carrying all this anger, I’ve been simultaneously reading Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard.  Oddly, the chapters I happened upon this week discuss the destructive power of anger.

Ricard asks: “When a powerful emotion or thought arises — anger, for instance — what normally occurs?  We are very easily overwhelmed by this thought, which multiplies into numerous new thoughts that disturb and blind us…”

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ Buddha

anger is like a dark cloud that disturbs your peace of mind

Yes, for the last two weeks, I’ve been overwhelmed by anger.  Why?  I’ve been seething because of the extreme micromanagement from the university administration, unreasonable demands on our time, constant emails telling us we have to attend a COMPULSORY workshop here or a MANDATORY meeting there or an exam invigilation that is “part of our administrative duties,” even though our contract already requires from us 20 contact hours and 6 hours devoted to student support.   Because we have DAILY QUIZZES that we must administer and mark and because I need time to PLAN for my 20 hours of classroom time, I feel like I’m being pushed up against a wall.  Frankly, I feel that I’m being treated like a robot or, worse, a slave, getting no respect or appreciation for all the good work I do.  And there is no use in complaining or arguing about anything, because the administration doesn’t care about what any of us think or feel, so there is no point in bringing up these complaints.  I love my students and I love being in the classroom; I feel that if people would just back off and leave me alone to do my job, I could actually enjoy my work.

In my meditations, I’ve been trying to observe this anger that is simmering inside me. One of the meditations asked me to just sit quietly and observe my emotions, and of course, because I’ve been in such turmoil for two weeks, the anger kept rising to the surface.  Instead of simply observing the emotion, as the guided meditation prompted, I found myself grabbing on to it and obsessing about it, thinking about what I could do.  How could I fight back?  What are my options?  Do I have to put up with this?

anger eats away at us and makes us puppets of the very people to whom our anger is directed

I found my heart racing, my shoulders and back tensing up.  I felt the anxiety one might feel if faced with great danger, like coming face to face with a ravenous tiger.  Every time I tried to let go of the anger, it reared its ugly head again.  I tried to focus on my breathing.  When I did, I realized my breathing was rapid, as if I was running away from something, and then I started obsessing about things again.  Every time I tried to let go of it, it kept coming back, and I kept grabbing on to it again.  I began to wonder why I couldn’t just let it go.

I focused on my breathing, trying to slow it down.  I focused on birds chirping outside.  I focused on my mantra: “Maranatha.”  And then, I found myself falling asleep in my sitting position!

Ricard’s words hit me hard: “Systematically blaming others and holding them responsible for our suffering is the surest way to lead an unhappy life.  It is by transforming our minds that we can transform the world.”

Ricard tells of an experience he had.  His blood was boiling over an incident where he felt he was perfectly justified to be angry.  He writes: “It was only hours later that I came to see how destructive an emotion anger really is, reducing our clarity and inner peace and turning us into veritable puppets.”

I realized that by letting myself be ruled by anger, I’m letting these people, the very people to whom my anger is directed, determine my state of mind, my level of happiness.  I’m letting them control me.  I’m becoming their puppet.

By holding on to anger, I make myself a puppet of those to whom my anger is directed…

I have been giving thought as to how I can deal with this situation.  This is my job and I have given my notice to leave at the end of June.  So I know the situation will not last forever.  I’m grateful that I have other options and am able to leave eventually.  In the meantime, I have to surrender myself to the university’s whims as long as I choose to stay, but only during work hours and when I am physically on campus.  I will go through the motions and do their bidding during the hours I am at the university, from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.  I will try to do it without anger, but with simple resignation and acceptance.  I will continue to do as good a job as I can in the classroom, because I love my students and want them to benefit from what I can teach them.  Other than that, I CANNOT CHANGE THE SITUATION. This I must accept.

Once I leave the university, I will continue my personal policy of not taking work home with me and not opening work emails.  I will try to calm my emotions while at work.  I will try hard to leave behind any simmering anger as soon as I get in my car and drive off the campus.   And I will continue to meditate to achieve peace of mind.  I will do the things I enjoy when I am away from work.  I always love exploring Oman, taking walks and photos and writing my blog.  I will focus on these things and count down the days.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ricard says something else that gives me food for thought: “If an emotion strengthens our inner peace and seeks the good of others, it is positive, or constructive; if it shatters our serenity, deeply disturbs our mind, and is intended to harm others, it is negative, or afflictive.  As for the outcome, the only criterion is the good or the suffering that we create by our acts, words, and thoughts, for ourselves as well as for others.”

I care about my colleagues and my students, so I will try to be there for them, to understand and to care for them.  Somehow, I hope I can create good, rather than suffering, in the coming months.

And then, when all is said and done, I can go home, carrying my peace of mind along in my suitcase.  I hope I will ultimately feel that I created some kind of positive legacy, even if only a small one.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”  ~ Plato

friday meditation: the elusive “self”

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Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, February 15:  This week I’ve been reading about the self and its ever-changing nature. In Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, author Matthieu Ricard says about Buddhism: “the self has no autonomy or permanence, … it is like a mirage.  Seen from afar, the mirage of a lake seems real, but we would have a hard time wringing any water out of it.”

the self is as elusive as clouds

This, he says, is how the Buddha taught it:

Like a shooting star, a mirage, a flame,
A magic trick, a dewdrop, a water bubble,
Like a dream, lightning, or a cloud —
Consider all things thus.

the ever-changing nature of clouds is like our identity that is always in flux

Ricard goes on to say that we believe the self is associated with consciousness, but “in terms of living experience, the past moment of consciousness is dead (only its impact remains), the future is not yet, and the present doesn’t last.” Thus, he says, “Buddhism concludes that the self is just a name we give to a continuum, just as we name a river the Ganges or the Mississippi.”

“Nature is a mutable cloud which is always and never the same.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think often about the elusive and ever-changing nature of the self and these thoughts came up in my meditations this week.  We all like to think we have a unique self, different from anyone else’s self, a self that makes us feel important or special. We feel intensely that things that happen to US are heavy with weight. This sense of self as unique separates us from each other, makes me the “I” and you the “other.”

Admittedly, I like to think of myself as smart, capable, organized, fun and adventurous.  I also know I am easily angered, impatient, often intolerant, and easily distracted.  I’m afraid of commitment and intimacy.  But are any of these things permanently true? Aren’t they sometimes false and sometimes true, always in flux? Isn’t it true that sometimes I forget things, sometimes I do stupid things, sometimes I am not capable or organized?  Sometimes I am not at all adventurous and like nothing better than to be safe and comfortable in my house, removed from the rest of the world.  In the company of some people, sure, I am fun, but in the company of others, I can be deadly boring and disinterested.  As far as the negatives I list above, aren’t I sometimes calm, patient, tolerant and focused?  Aren’t I sometimes able to be intimate with people, and aren’t I sometimes able to commit?

“Happiness is like a cloud. If you stare at it long enough, it evaporates.” ~ Sarah McLachlan

I consider my identity, questions that can only be answered by stories in my life. As I ponder this, I probe about in too many dark alleys & dusty corners.  I think, for example, about my physical identity.  For one thing, how can I really see myself?  I can never see myself, not really.  I can look in a mirror, but the instant I find myself in a mirror, I immediately put on my best face; I correct my slouch, I smile to bring my hangdog face to life.  So am I really the person I see in the mirror, this 2-dimensional person with the fake smile and upright posture?  Or am I the uncorrected version of myself who goes about my daily routines looking neither happy nor sad, neither here nor there?  I can see myself in a camera, but once I know I’m in front of a camera, I immediately smile, or put on my best face, showcase my best angle.  In front of the camera, I become a star; I can step out of my own under-dazzling skin.  Heaven forbid the photo turns out badly, showing me at an unflattering angle or with an ugly expression.  I always delete these pictures, which no human eye will ever see.  Of course I am fooling only myself, as everyone else in my world sees me all the time in these unflattering poses.

elusive and beautiful clouds

I think about how difficult it is to truly be myself.  Who am I anyway?  Am I the person who, when I am in the company of my best friend Rosie or my crazy friend Lisa, becomes a suddenly hilarious person?  These friends and I play off each other and I am brought to life as a comedian.  To these people, my self is crazy and fun.  Or am I the person who, in other people’s company, becomes quiet and boring?  Am I the person who, in yet different people’s company, becomes defensive and irritable?  How can I really even be myself when myself varies with each person I encounter?  Sometimes I like myself a lot, enjoy my own company, but other times, I hate who I am.  Which one am I?  The one I love or the one I hate?

Who am I?

What is the upshot?  About identity, I don’t know the answer.  I only believe that my self is in flux, constantly evolving, ever-changing.  Just as Buddhism teaches.  My self is a composite of all the books I have ever read, all the interactions I have ever had, all the people I have ever loved and hated, all the places I have ever been, all the hobbies I have ever pursued, all the aches and pains and heartbreak I have ever felt, all the happiness and sadness and anger…. as well as that blob of gray matter that is in my rather large head.  It is all my hopes and dreams and goals, which are always evolving. Plus.  Many more things known and unknown, things remembered and forgotten, things experienced and only dreamed about.

“Above the cloud with its shadow is the star with its light. Above all things reverence thyself.” ~ Pythagoras

Who am I?  I don’t know.  But, whatever my identity, I cannot become attached to any erroneous or self-important idea about it.  It is always in flux and cannot be contained: it is a stream running down a stream bed, a snake slithering through grass, lava flowing from a volcano.  I can only catch glimpses of it as it passes by.  It’s not mine to keep, so I should simply let all notions of it go.

a spiritual journey: friday meditations

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Life, Spirituality, WPLongform

Friday, February 8:  One of my New Year’s resolutions is to focus time on my own spiritual journey:

Begin a meditation practice, starting with at least 10 minutes a day.  Read books about Buddhism, pilgrimage, spirituality, along with my other reading. Read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.   Start reading books about the Camino de Santiago and prepare to do some kind of pilgrimage in 2014.  Attend some services at Washington National Cathedral.

In my remaining time in Oman, since Friday is like a Sunday in America, I will write a posts about my spiritual journey on Fridays.  Once I return to America, I will try to continue the practice on Sundays.  That’s my goal anyway.

oleander seed pods from a wadi on Jebel Akhdar

So far my attempts to meditate got a late, and sporadic, start.  I didn’t carve out time for myself in January except for 5 days. I can blame it on the boys & Mike being here from January 1-11; I can also make the excuse that I went to Nepal from the 17th-25th.  I have meditated 5 out of the 8 days of February; the days that I didn’t I was so ill I could barely get out of bed.  However, none of these are good excuses.  I think if I’m going to do a meditation practice, I need to do it EVERY DAY, no matter what is going on in my life.  By writing this post once a week, I hope to keep my spiritual journey in the forefront of my mind, to make it a priority.

I start my practice each day by reading a bit from a book I picked up in Nepal, the land of spiritual searching.  The book is called Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, by Matthieu Ricard. There are spiritual exercises I can do in the book, or I can just meditate.

oleander seed pods

One of the first exercises of this week was Distinguishing happiness from pleasure. The goal is to bring to mind a past experience of physical pleasure, with all its intensity. Think about whether it gave a fleeting or a lasting sense of inner fulfillment.  Then it asks you to remember an occasion of inner joy and happiness.

I sat silently and thought about this for my meditation.  I thought about the physical pleasures of eating sardines and caper leaves in Santorini, feeling a breeze across my skin as I took a walk in Lake Langano in Ethiopia, getting my feet rubbed by Mike when we used to sit on the couch together watching T.V.  I thought of physically intimate moments I have shared.  Kissing.  Holding hands.  I thought of massages I got in Ethiopia and in Nepal.  I  thought of lying in bed under a warm blanket in the winter, of feeling my muscles ache after a long hike.  And yes, I do remember in each of these instances, my pleasure subsided after a time.   Eating and eating sardines and caper leaves would probably leave me with an upset stomach, feeling a breeze might make me feel chilled after a while.  Eventually I would want to move from my position on the couch, despite the lovely foot rub, as it never feels good to stay in one place for a long time.  I love massages, but after a while I get impatient and want to get up and move.

Yes, these are all fleeting pleasures.  But what gives me lasting inner joy and happiness?  This summer when my daughter Sarah was going through a heartbreak, it felt good to be there for her.  Taking a long walk in nature and noticing details, being present in the moment: these things give me lasting pleasure.  Having lunch with Alex, just the two of us, before I came back to Oman.  Spending time talking to Adam about philosophy and spiritual journeys while he was visiting me in Oman.   Having a heart to heart talk with my friend Mario. Spending time with my best friends from high school.  All of these things give me lasting pleasure.  They stay with me long after the actual happening.  They bring me contentment and happiness.

Today, I read in Happiness the following, about the four truths of suffering.  Ricard says in brief, we must:  1) Recognize suffering, 2) eliminate its source, 3) end it 4) by practicing the path.

Buddhist thought says that we can eliminate the source of suffering by practice.  That’s what meditation is about.  Like anything in life, one must practice to establish new thought patterns. That is what I hope to do.

Ricard clarifies the difference between unhappiness and ephemeral discomforts.  Unhappiness is a “profound sense of dissatisfaction that endures even in favorable external conditions,” while ephemeral discomforts depend on external circumstances.  He likens this to the waves and depths of the ocean: “A storm may be raging at the surface, but the depths remain calm.”  I like this analogy.

In my meditations over the last week, I have tried to do what Ricard suggests, to realize my “potential for flourishing” by developing it into a skill.  He says to “begin by becoming more familiar with your own mind.”  He advises to “watch your mind, the coming and going of thoughts.”  He says not to fuel those thoughts but to let them come and go, as if you’re watching a peaceful river flowing by.

In my meditations, I find it interesting that my thoughts seem to focus on how I’m not good enough.  In meditations this week, thoughts surfaced about how I need to do more, more of this, more of that, how I need to get better at writing, at photography, at being a mother, at teaching, at making friends.  Angry and bitter thoughts came up about how I applied for over 50 jobs with the State Department in 2008 and couldn’t get a job.  In today’s meditation, I found myself wondering how I will get everything done on my list.  That led me to thoughts that I should treat my meditation practice the same way I do with my personal life and my work at the university.  I have a personal policy that once I leave the university, I leave it behind.  I don’t take work with me, nor do I open my work emails.  Then I started thinking how I should do the same thing regarding meditation.  Make it a priority; don’t bring my life into my meditation time.  Next my mind jumped to the birds chirping outside and how I should focus on the NOW of that birdsong.  Then I thought about a mantra I learned a long time ago: Maranatha.  Apparently it is an invitation to God to come into your life.  I said that mantra to get my mind back to center.

Do you see the nature of my wild mind, jumping from here to there without any rhyme or reason?

At first in my meditations, I found myself getting anxious as I hung on to these thoughts and let my mind fuel them.  Then, I gently reminded myself to let the thoughts go.  I tried to observe these thoughts as if watching the landscape out of my car window as I drive past.  I thought to myself, “That’s interesting.  I wonder why I have so many of these negative thoughts.” But I didn’t try to analyze.  I just watched them wander by.

In a chapter called “The Alchemy of Suffering” in Happiness, Ricard talks about what he calls “Wounded Beings.”  Sadly I recognized myself: “An ‘insecurely avoidant’ person will rather keep others at bay than risk further suffering. Such a person will avoid becoming too intimate with others….”  The description goes on, and none of it is pretty.  I see myself in this description and take this thought into my meditation for today.  What comes to mind are some oleander seed pods I found in a wadi on Jebel Akhdar yesterday.  I found them fascinating, maybe because I see myself in them.  They are pictured throughout this post, in their many varieties.  I see myself like them with their hard outer shells. The bad thing is that oleander is a poisonous plant.  Are all those downy seeds bursting out of the shell my own poisonous thoughts?

oleander

I prefer to see that the hard shells have burst open, and out of them is flowing fluff and softness and seeds, in abundancy.  I prefer to see those seeds as the soul within me that could come out of my shell, if I were to nourish it.  Opening to love.  Peace.  Happiness.  Maybe, just maybe, this will be possible.  With practice.

I dream of evolving into a person bursting with love and inner peace. 🙂