November 13, 2012: On this day, 24 years ago, I got married to Mike. Our wedding was small and simple. Our families and close friends gathered in the Church of the Holy Comforter in Vienna, Virginia. My father gave me away for the second time. It was a second wedding for both of us. Mike’s first wife had died of breast cancer and my first marriage ended in divorce. We were two people grasping for each other in the pain and confusion of lost hopes.
Our first two years were spent in marriage counseling as we tried to deal with our relationship and personal issues. Though our dating months had been filled with romance and happiness, our first years of adjusting to living together were difficult. We had our two children, two boys, Alex in 1991 and Adam in 1992. We bought a three-story colonial in Oakton, Virginia. We went as a family to pumpkin patches and apple orchards and Paradise Island and Hilton Head. We dressed our boys as a fireman and Dalmatian and took them trick-or-treating in a red wagon. We watched their softball, soccer, and basketball games. We took two overseas trips together, without our boys, one to France and one to England. We took our boys back to France. We had many happy years.
In 2002 Mike lost his job. I lost my mother. Problems started. Amazingly, we rarely fought. However, on my own, as I went about my days as a full-time mother and housewife, I began to think: Is this all there is? This is it? For the rest of my life?
I felt nothing. I felt like a dead person. For five years, this feeling grew in me. Now I see it was my unhappiness. It had nothing to do with Mike. But at the time, I began to increasingly feel that my restlessness was because I was tied to him and that suburban lifestyle in northern Virginia. I needed to escape. I left.
That was 5 years and 9 months ago. We have been separated all this time. But we haven’t divorced. Why, I don’t know. Well, there are lots of reasons, many financial, but I think there is another reason. Maybe we don’t want to let go.
It’s taken a long time, but I’ve now learned that the problem was simply my own. I could never quite believe Mike loved me, even though he showed me in ways too numerous to count. Because of events in my childhood, I was unable to feel or accept his love. I couldn’t believe he could love me in the aftermath of the loss of his first wife to cancer. I felt I was his rebound and I didn’t believe I was worthy. The problem was inside of me, and I needed to fix it.
Now I’m stronger. I feel content in my skin. This is a new feeling for me and it has been hard-earned. I needed this time on my own. But in the process, I hurt a man I love very much and I don’t blame him if he never wants to reconcile. In the last year, I have come to realize I want just that. We talked about the possibility of reconciliation with our counselor when I was home this summer. Mike’s on the fence, and I can understand that perfectly. We decided that until I return home, we should work on our friendship. We should continue to date other people. Because he’s not ready. I am, but he’s not. That’s where we are.
Today is the anniversary of 24 years of an evolving relationship. I don’t know what it will be. I hope we can reconcile. I miss having him in my life, my best friend.
This quote says something I would like him to know: “It is now one of my biggest regrets in this life: not to have seen the extent of your love for me.”
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A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~ George Moore
There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud. ~ Carol Shields
Man is almost mad – mad because he is seeking something which he has already got; mad because he’s not aware of who he is; mad because he hopes, desires and then ultimately feels frustrated. Frustration is bound to be there because you cannot find yourself by seeking; you are already there. The seeking has to stop, the search has to drop… ~ Osho
a nomad in the land of nizwa 
Life is a wonderful yet sometimes painful journey. May you find your bliss!
Thanks you Sheri!! 🙂
Wow Cathy. Since I have not seen you in so many years, I did not know you were dealing with all of this. I will add you to my prayer list and hope you find peace in what ever happens. I too had a hard marriage for many years and sometimes wonder just where I am. I have been married to my husband for almost 38 years and we have had many ups and downs and wonder what we really have in common, other than our 3 children and our 4 grandchildren. It is a hard one to face and try to work through. I pray that you can work it out, if that is what you truly want. My husband and I are more like brother and sister, than husband and wife. We are good friends, but have totally different interests 😦 I have tried to bring our interests closer together, but realize this is the best it will ever be. I have dealt with it. I too have taken time to get away at times, just to think and figure things out. We have a vacation home that I escape to, on the coast of California. Take care my friend and hope you get your dreams answered and work things out. ❤
Thank you for sharing Theresa. I think marriage can be a difficult thing. Sometimes it does feel like you are just friends, or brother and sister; sometimes it feels like all the passion has seeped away while you were unaware!! I think that is really the nature of marriage and to expect something magical is maybe foolishness. I wanted magic and though I have loved this time of exploration and personal growth, I think to expect magic is crazy. Possibly MOMENTS of magic are what we should hope for!
A heartfelt post on a bittersweet day for you, and no doubt Mike too, Cathy.
It´s always difficult, if not impossible, to comment on other people´s lives as there are always so many things going on in the background that maybe neither person even realizes at the time. But I hope you manage to sort things in a way that leaves you both satisfied with the outcome.
I have a very dear friend who is nearing the end of his life with terminal, inoperable cancer, and it has really focused my mind on what is most important in life. You can´t have a rainbow without a little rain.
I hope you find your rainbow, Cathy.
Marianne, your words mean so much to me. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments. I like your perspective; many people in life have much worse circumstances than I do. It’s the downs in life that make us appreciate the ups, the rain the rainbows!
Thanks so much for your kind and good wishes for my life. 🙂
There is a lot of love in your relationship and I’m sure it will work out for the best. This is a beautiful post and very brave of you to share it. Good luck for the future lovely lady.
Thank you so much Gilly. And thank you for your kind and good wishes…. 🙂
Cathy,
What a heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life. (That’s why you’ll always be one of my favorite bloggers! 🙂 ) I wonder if you will share this post with Mike. I think your feelings and regrets are beautifully explained here and I’m sure he would appreciate it. I will be praying for you and your separated husband. I pray that this develops into a beautiful story of reconciliation! It really is an amazing story. “Love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for”. That’s a quote from a movie called Fireproof about fighting for ones marriage. Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwK73QbNPKo God bless you always, Cathy!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Andy. I wrote to Mike early this morning (Oman time) and included the link to the post. I’m sure he’s seen it by now, but I’ve heard nothing. That’s normal for him. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just doesn’t respond. I know he will always care for me and me for him, but I just don’t know if he can ever trust me again. I can’t say that I blame him.
Wow, what a beautiful song about fighting for marriage and understanding what it’s all about. I hope Mike and I can find our way back to what’s important. Thanks for your prayers, Andy…
I was feeling really teary today… and sad….
How very brave of you, Cathy, to share this with us. I think that sometimes when we move on we do not always take our nearest and dearest with us, and yet we have to be true to ourselves if we are to find personal fulfillment. I do hope you will find a solution in due course. If it is not your dearest wish then at least you have had some wonderful experiences en route to feeling at peace with yourself.
Thank you so much, Vee. I want to write about what I’m feeling as I go through this life journey of mine. Most often I keep it all bottled up and just pretend it doesn’t exist. But I need to open up myself and share myself more with people. Because I think many people may be going through similar struggles. Connection: that’s what writing is all about.
Thanks so much for your good wishes! 🙂
Been down that road myself. 3 marriages. All is well with my 3rd. marriage, however, Spencers’ mother is the love of my life. The problem in that marriage was that I didn’t know what marriage was all about and got it all wrong. Spencer and his sister to the brunt of it as well as did his mother. They all still mean the most to me, even though his mother and I are not together anymore.
She is the mother and we had great times. My 2nd. marriage lasted 2 years, as she wanted me to have nothing to do with Spencers mother and my responsibilities to her and the family.
Hope all goes well with you.
Yes, Ron, marriage is difficult and complicated and navigating its complexities takes a certain degree of maturity, flexibility and patience. I hope someday I can get it right! I hope your 3rd wife doesn’t read about the “love of your life…” 🙂 Isn’t it too bad when we realize something like this after it’s too late!?
Oh, Cathy, I really feel for you. Thanks for sharing so much of your life and feelings here. Love the family pics. I know from what you’ve written, that you’re so wanting to get back into this relationship. I hope and pray that things will work out for you and Mike, and that you can both look forward to a bright and happy future together. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much, Sylvia, for your good wishes. I hope so too, but I don’t get much encouragement from Mike in this regard, so I am really not counting on it happening. He hasn’t yet closed the door though, so I guess there is a sliver of hope…. 🙂
“While there’s life, there’s hope.”
– Marcus Tullius Cicero
Great quote! I just sent it to Mike. I told him anytime he wants to close the door permanently to please let me know. I don’t want to go on hoping if there really is no hope!
Good luck Cathy. *hugs* I so want you to be happy with the man you love.
Thank you, Sylvia. I guess we’ll all find out eventually how things will turn out… xxx
Wow a very moving and honest post and I am keeping all my fingers crossed for you because I believe in happy endings
Thank you so much, crazytrain! Your good wishes for my happy ending are greatly appreciated. 🙂
What a beautiful heartfelt post – the photo collage was a great addition. I also hope it works. I think a lot of us go through periods of feeling restless and needing to escape. Quite honestly if you asked how I’m feeling right now I’d say “restless and stuck”… but it doesn’t have anything to do with my marriage. It’s me. I’m bored.
Yes, dearrosie, I have felt that “restless and stuck” feeling too many times in my life. I don’t know why I’m such a restless soul. I think some of us are just built that way. We have wanderlust in our blood! 🙂
Oh Cathy, how sad! How long are you contracted to stay in Oman?
I hope you and Mike will make it. My own Mike isn’t great at talking about things. At least he hasn’t shut you out of his life. Good luck, my dear.
Jo, I will be in Oman probably through mid-summer. I already have a job lined up in the USA beginning in late August. So I aim to be home by the end of July. I hope we will make it too, but he honestly doesn’t give me much encouragement. He doesn’t like to talk about things, nor does he like to even try to understand his own emotions. It’s frustrating. He hasn’t YET closed the door, so there is a sliver of hope.
Thanks so much for your good wishes. 🙂
If nothing else, you’ve sorted yourself out, Cath, and will be in the right place to slip back through that door. You bring more to the relationship because of your experiences, but he may not see that. I admire your courage and wish you the very best.
Thank you Jo. Yes, sorting myself out was something that really needed to be done, and I’m not sure I could have ever done it had I remained stuck, as I felt I was. I think I can now bring a lot more into any relationship….
What a beautiful post. Did Mike read it? I understand your restless feeling as I also suffer from that syndrome…I am fortunate that my partner lets me explore whatever I want to explore, even without him, and that helps. He doesn’t understand it, but he accepts it. I hope that you and Mike can reconcile. Life is so short. Take care!
Thank you, Ruth. Yes, he did read it and just said, “Thanks for sharing the blog with me. We did have wonderful years together. Happy Anniversary, no matter what happens in the future.” Not much to hang my hat on, but he hasn’t yet closed the door either. I guess only the future will tell.
I can’t imagine myself ever NOT having that restless feeling, so one of the things I would want to resolve if we get back together is that I want the freedom to continue to explore, with or without him. I’m no longer afraid to travel alone, and actually enjoy it immensely, although at times it would be wonderful to have a partner along.
Thanks so much for your good wishes…. 🙂
I admire the courage it took for you to write this post and bare your heart Cathy. I so hope things will work out between you and Mike. Wishing you all the happiness in the world. Hugs
Thank you Madhu! Hugs to you too… xxx
Oh Cathy – sometimes life is just inexplicable, sometimes love exists but living together cannot – Been there, done that. For me personally, going back has never worked. For you, I hope that whatever it is that you truly want will be. But maybe, just maybe, it is best for you to remain friends, to enjoy a relationship that allows you to spend time together, to do things together, to enjoy your boys together, without being together full time.
Yes, I don’t know if going back will work for us either, but I’d like to give it a try, if he would. The ball is now in his court. However, I can’t live in limbo forever, so when I get back home next summer, he will need to decide whether he wants to try or not. If not, we will need to make the split final and go our separate ways…. You may very well be right about what is in our future….
What a heartfelt and tender, soul bearing post, Cathy. Like Marianne said, there are so many layers it’s hard for an outsider to comment. Our role in blogging sometimes is to just listen. My heart goes out to you and Mike as you make these decisions.
Thanks Lynne, for just listening! It’s nice to know I have fellow bloggers out there who I can share with and who care… 🙂
Beautifully put, Cathy. I hope things work out for the two of you. But what I think is HUGELY important here is your growth and you owning how you fell and I love that you *put it out there* in regards to what you want – for this the universe will definitely answer.
I feel that you’re right, Tahira! Thank you for the words of encouragement. I also feel that what is meant to be will be, and I’ll be open to whatever comes my way….
Beautiful and honest and heartfelt post, Cathy. I do hope it works out for both of you. I know how it is to go through life feeling unworthy of love, and then to find out differently. *Hugs*
Thank you so much, Robin. Hugs to you too. xxx