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Friday, February 15: This week I’ve been reading about the self and its ever-changing nature. In Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, author Matthieu Ricard says about Buddhism: “the self has no autonomy or permanence, … it is like a mirage. Seen from afar, the mirage of a lake seems real, but we would have a hard time wringing any water out of it.”
the self is as elusive as clouds
This, he says, is how the Buddha taught it:
Like a shooting star, a mirage, a flame,
A magic trick, a dewdrop, a water bubble,
Like a dream, lightning, or a cloud —
Consider all things thus.
the ever-changing nature of clouds is like our identity that is always in flux
Ricard goes on to say that we believe the self is associated with consciousness, but “in terms of living experience, the past moment of consciousness is dead (only its impact remains), the future is not yet, and the present doesn’t last.” Thus, he says, “Buddhism concludes that the self is just a name we give to a continuum, just as we name a river the Ganges or the Mississippi.”
“Nature is a mutable cloud which is always and never the same.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think often about the elusive and ever-changing nature of the self and these thoughts came up in my meditations this week. We all like to think we have a unique self, different from anyone else’s self, a self that makes us feel important or special. We feel intensely that things that happen to US are heavy with weight. This sense of self as unique separates us from each other, makes me the “I” and you the “other.”
Admittedly, I like to think of myself as smart, capable, organized, fun and adventurous. I also know I am easily angered, impatient, often intolerant, and easily distracted. I’m afraid of commitment and intimacy. But are any of these things permanently true? Aren’t they sometimes false and sometimes true, always in flux? Isn’t it true that sometimes I forget things, sometimes I do stupid things, sometimes I am not capable or organized? Sometimes I am not at all adventurous and like nothing better than to be safe and comfortable in my house, removed from the rest of the world. In the company of some people, sure, I am fun, but in the company of others, I can be deadly boring and disinterested. As far as the negatives I list above, aren’t I sometimes calm, patient, tolerant and focused? Aren’t I sometimes able to be intimate with people, and aren’t I sometimes able to commit?
“Happiness is like a cloud. If you stare at it long enough, it evaporates.” ~ Sarah McLachlan
I consider my identity, questions that can only be answered by stories in my life. As I ponder this, I probe about in too many dark alleys & dusty corners. I think, for example, about my physical identity. For one thing, how can I really see myself? I can never see myself, not really. I can look in a mirror, but the instant I find myself in a mirror, I immediately put on my best face; I correct my slouch, I smile to bring my hangdog face to life. So am I really the person I see in the mirror, this 2-dimensional person with the fake smile and upright posture? Or am I the uncorrected version of myself who goes about my daily routines looking neither happy nor sad, neither here nor there? I can see myself in a camera, but once I know I’m in front of a camera, I immediately smile, or put on my best face, showcase my best angle. In front of the camera, I become a star; I can step out of my own under-dazzling skin. Heaven forbid the photo turns out badly, showing me at an unflattering angle or with an ugly expression. I always delete these pictures, which no human eye will ever see. Of course I am fooling only myself, as everyone else in my world sees me all the time in these unflattering poses.
elusive and beautiful clouds
I think about how difficult it is to truly be myself. Who am I anyway? Am I the person who, when I am in the company of my best friend Rosie or my crazy friend Lisa, becomes a suddenly hilarious person? These friends and I play off each other and I am brought to life as a comedian. To these people, my self is crazy and fun. Or am I the person who, in other people’s company, becomes quiet and boring? Am I the person who, in yet different people’s company, becomes defensive and irritable? How can I really even be myself when myself varies with each person I encounter? Sometimes I like myself a lot, enjoy my own company, but other times, I hate who I am. Which one am I? The one I love or the one I hate?
Who am I?
What is the upshot? About identity, I don’t know the answer. I only believe that my self is in flux, constantly evolving, ever-changing. Just as Buddhism teaches. My self is a composite of all the books I have ever read, all the interactions I have ever had, all the people I have ever loved and hated, all the places I have ever been, all the hobbies I have ever pursued, all the aches and pains and heartbreak I have ever felt, all the happiness and sadness and anger…. as well as that blob of gray matter that is in my rather large head. It is all my hopes and dreams and goals, which are always evolving. Plus. Many more things known and unknown, things remembered and forgotten, things experienced and only dreamed about.
“Above the cloud with its shadow is the star with its light. Above all things reverence thyself.” ~ Pythagoras
Who am I? I don’t know. But, whatever my identity, I cannot become attached to any erroneous or self-important idea about it. It is always in flux and cannot be contained: it is a stream running down a stream bed, a snake slithering through grass, lava flowing from a volcano. I can only catch glimpses of it as it passes by. It’s not mine to keep, so I should simply let all notions of it go.
a nomad in the land of nizwa 
Interesting stuff – you are in a place that I don’t recognise!
Thanks Andrew! But I’m not sure if you mean I’m in a place you don’t recognize for me, or in a place you don’t recognize for yourself. Ah, another circular question about self…. always elusive.
Who am I? If we all knew the answer to that one!
Yes, wouldn’t that be nice?? And even if we knew, it would always change!
Very interesting food for thought in this post. I think I agree about being a different person with different people – I’m pretty sure that’s the case with me.
Thanks so much, Elaine. Yes, it’s very interesting to observe yourself from a meditative state and to see these notions of yourself that you have.
…and letting those notions go, that’s so hard to do! But worth trying, over and over, little by little. In any case, just. this. moment.
Yes, it is so hard to let go of those notions. I like that: just. this. moment. You are so wise, Lynn!
I have years of reading and practicing in the Zen tradition, but talking the talk doesn’t mean I can walk the walk, believe me!
I know exactly what you mean. All we can do is keep trying. Or actually: keep letting go. 🙂
Very insightful post. We are constantly defining ourselves through a few adjectives consequently imposing our own limitations and barriers. Maybe we need to stop trying so hard to define ourselves and just be.
I agree. Labels are always a bad thing, and very limiting, especially when we apply them to ourselves!
Who am I? – A product of society? Of my upbringing? Of my own choices and life path? Am I the things I surround myself with? The things I do? The places I visit?
Thanks for your openness and questioning. You’ve got me thinking! – especially because this has been the focus of a few things that I’ve read and heard from friends in the last week or so… along with the discussion of ‘who is the true you’ (in terms of ‘who is the you you really want to be, the you when your heart, head and soul align and you are absolutely on the right path, unconcerned with what people think because your true calling is… well… calling loud and clear’).
Are they putting something in the water these days?!
They must be, finola! I think we all do question who we really are! I sometimes find myself wishing some genie would come out of a bottle and tell me who I really am and what I am meant to do with my life. I keep waiting, but it never happens. I guess that’s why I’m seeking….. 🙂
In the days of my youth, I read many self-help books – I explored the “inner” me, the “outer” me, all of those possibilities. Now – I think we are neither this nor that, but yet we are this and that. What I am at this moment may differ from what I will be in the next moment. What I am with you may differ from what I am with her. What is important is that I am, and I am the best me I can be. I do not fit in a category, I am neither round nor square. I can accept me, however I am.
That’s great Carol. It sounds like you’re in a good place in your life. I used to do self-help books too, but I found them to be counterproductive. I felt myself trying too hard and failing to measure up. I like Buddhist practice so much better than self-help, because self-help is based on the belief that you CAN help yourself, while Buddhist practice is about letting go. We’ll see where it takes me…. 🙂
Very interesting post. I’ve been enjoying your Friday Meditation posts, Cathy. I don’t always comment because I have to go off and think for a while. 🙂
I’m so glad you enjoy my posts, Robin. You would think I would learn from them myself, but this kind of inner peace and enlightenment comes, as the Omanis say, “slowly, slowly.” At least by writing about these issues, it makes me give a lot of thought to things I would normally not face. Like this week has been another struggle with anger, even after writing this, and despite my attempts to stay peaceful, it just isn’t working. It’s a struggle. But at least by writing these posts, every time I do get angry, which this week was A LOT, I am at least observing it, contemplating it, and trying to breathe and retain some degree of inner peace, which I probably wouldn’t be doing otherwise. I hope I can learn and grow, eventually…. 🙂